Crash and Burn, it's a Festival
The word "festival" isn't often heard within the safe borders of New Zealand. Or, if it is, it would sound something like: "The Jazz music festival, see a concert every weekend". In general, New Zealanders are very unfestive. We are too laid back to give a..... care....There are really no events which can be called a proper festival. Sure, every year, when the Canterbury Crusaders (For the lucky people who don't know, this is a rugby team) win, all people from Christchurch celebrate being asses. Also, we have the Santa Parade when the streets are closed for a couple of hours to let a few cars with big advertising signs to drive through. Santa also makes a quick appearance.
I was in a Santa Parade once. It was not long after my under 14 basketball team became the South Island Champions. We were sponsored by a milk company, so we all wore our milk-boy track pants and jacket and dribbled a basketball behind the milk van through the streets. If you are wondering how this is relevant to a Santa Parade, I'm not really sure... I guess this milk company could supply you for the milk you leave out for Santa on Christmas eve...
So, in conclusion, New Zealand is not very festive. In this sense, Japan is New Zealand's evil twin. Or, good twin... I don't know, I haven't thought this through. It was just a bad way to say that there are many festivals in Japan.
There are many festivals in Japan. This sounds pretty good, and it usually is. Last time in Japan I went to many, and already this time I have been to many. There was a very famous one in my prefecture a few months back. "famous" in this case, means: "so crowded, it just isn't fun anymore". There was a crazy inpenetrable mass of people climbing up the mountain. It was a gauntlet of stall selling one of three different types of food. Mobs of very old, but deceptively strong, tiny, women wearing hats, were shoving and prodding me and anything else in their way, for the whole 4 hours I was there. I imagine it to be a similar experience to being in a locust plague. The only calm moment I got was in an already-full port-o-loo.
So that was fun. On the other end of the scale was a festival outside a convenience store. It wasn't a famous festival, and had exactly one stall, which sold the same three types of food.
And then we have the phenomenom of School festivals. I teach at two different elementary schools, and they both wanted me to attend their festival (both on the same day). It was on a weekend, but sure, a festival sounds like fun right? It was really quite lame. It might have been better if I wasn't so blatantly snobbed for the whole day. It was another of those moments when I realised how much of a freak I am. Its funny for a few moments, but very tiring for a whole day. It was definitely a festival, as the same 3 types of food were on sale. There was also a performance by every year group. The very young children put on a play. There was a lot of elbow nudging, which made it fun enough to watch. The middle students did tricks like bouncing basketballs, hula hooping, gymnasticsing, and unicycling, which gave many (fulfilled) opportunities for the kids to fall over. This was a crowd favourite; Japanese people love to see others publically embarrassed. The older kids put on a play, which went off without any mishaps. It is therefore, not worth continuing to talk about it.
This weekend is my main school's festival. These last two weeks have been very hectic. the schedule has been shuffled around so much, usually at the expense of my English classes. The pile of paper on my desk is growing at an unusually fast rate, and I'm finding myself completely alone in the staffroom more frequently. Everyone does seem to be very busy though. Everyone except for me. I think they are taking this festival very seriously, something which this New Zealander can't be trusted to do. (because its all so stupid!!! but funny). I have on my desk, a full written transcript for the festival's opening ceremony. It is all there, right down to the spontaneous banter. The festival is also notable for a few other reasons.
- I have to go to school on the weekend. I even have to teach some classes Saturday morning. Good luck trying to keep their attention...
- I am performing. They have a slot for me on stage to sing and play a song with my guitar.
This is a serious concern. For many reasons.
- I am rubbish at guitar. I know a total of just three chords,and I dislike punk music. This is a bad combination.
- I sound okay when I am playing on my own, or when the other people listening are drunk. The families of the students may be drinking, but I really need the majority of people to be drunk. Any ideas on how to get 177 kids drunk, please let me know!
- I am not a performer. The largest group I have played to is one of my classes at school, and at least half of them were sleeping.
Most likely, it will be a complete disaster which will destroy the good image I have on the basis of being a foreigner. I have decided to a song by the Exponents, because they are a New Zealand band, but mainly because this song has three chords. I just might be able to pull it off. I do, however, have a secret weapon: the ability to produce "R" and "L" sounds. To a Japanese person, this is like Mongolian throat singing. I might be okay... I hope. At the very least, that will be 5 minutes where they cannot snob me. If, in the likely event I do crash to earth like a comet, I know I will at least be a crowd favourite. A publically humiliated foreign Mongolian throat singer. What a show that would be!
Anyhow, tune in next time to find out if I have any shred of dignity left after my performance.
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