Lowlights of Lowlands
What do these next bands have in common?ARCTIC MONKEYS
BASEMENT JAXX
THE PRODIGY
SNOOP DOGGY DOGG
They all played last weekend at one of the most famous music festivals in Holland, Lowlands, I was there the whole 3 days of festival, and I saw none of them. Bad luck? Sort of. I was at lowlands not as a spectator, but as an employee.
I signed up to work here almost a month ago because it was a good full weekend of work, and I hoped I would be able to at least see some bands play.
Things were complicated soon after I signed up, as I realised that during that time, my friend and his friend would be coming from overseas to stay with me. I figured I could both work, and meet him for dinner or something.
Then I got my schedule: 10am-11pm all three days. And the festival terrain was very close to the official worst city in the world. I spent the next few weeks trying to make contact with them to change my schedule around a little bit. See, most employees were camping at the festival, as were the 55,000 visitors, but under the circumstances, it wasn't appropriate for me. I couldn't make contact, so I had to tell them in person on my first day.
I thought this would be a 2 hour trip, but on the first day, I was an hour and a half late. Shit... When I arrived, my bosses were very pissy at me, and that did not get any less when I told them I needed to leave a few hours earlier in order to make the last train home. I was off to a great start...
I got signed in, and led to my workplace: a TexMex restaurant. A bald guy with a sleazy goatee called a group of 7 of us together. His name, and I am being completely serious, was Carlos. I mean, how perfect is that? He said to us, you guys are in the Burrito Department, as if it was an extremely important department. He continued: "Burrito Burrito Burrito Burrito Burrito Burrito Burrito Burrito". From the sounds of things, I was going to be working with burritos.
My responsibility was to look after burritos in their 3 most vital stages of their life-cycle.
1. taking the raw burritos and gently placing them on a rack. (The young stage)
2. putting the burritos in the oven at 200 degrees for 10 minutes. (The gestation period)
3. putting the cooked burritos on the warming plate (The adult stage)
Other people were making them, and others were serving them to the customers. Sure, this is a very simple account of my responsibilities, but it is an accurate representation of how menial it felt.
Incredibly, as specific as this job was, it got incredibly busy at times, despite the burritos costing nearly 10 euros- an astronomical price. I found this even more amazing because most of the spectators are hippies, and we all know that hippies have no money. I guess, when they actually do have money, they are so reckless with it. Maybe that is why they have no money: they spend it all at music festivals.
At the very real risk of being sexist, I have to say that I don't enjoy working for under-30 female bosses. In my experience, I think they are so self conscious about their authority while still wanting to be cute, that they come across as complete bitches. They strictly enforced all the rules, and liberally dispensed condescending advice. I mean, I am working in the Burrito department- I think I have about hit rock-bottom already...
When I finished that evening, I had to leave early. They did not take to this well. In fact, one guy looked at my schedule and said "you are working until 11pm. Grab a t-shirt." I loved my reaction to this complete tosser. He was trying to pull his autority. I just told him, look, I am not going to work. Stubbornness is fantastic sometimes. He was quickly defeated and said, fine go home.
Three hours later I was home...
The next two days of work just blurred together. The next day, I was 2 1/2 late the next day because I met my friend at the airport beforehand. However, I was much smarter this time. I pulled the classic "go ask your mother" strategy. I told the temping agency that I had arranged this with the TexMex boss, and reversed it to the TexMex boss. It's all about people skills.
I usually love mexican food. If I had a choice of food when I was living at home, I would always choose something mexican. But now, I won't touch a burrito for at least 6 months. Thank you Lowlands for curing my love of mexican food...
On the 2nd day as I walked in, a bunch of people were laughing at me. Why? They didn't know me? I checked that my fly was up, and began working. Then a guy asked me if I was actually David Beckham. See, my hair is too long for me to working in the catering without having to tie my hair back. This was the Beckham from about 5 years ago when I was in Japan and everyone thought I looked like him. But when non-Japanese people say it, it might actually be true... I say, fair enough. I mean, he is a good-looking guy, but it's just a shame when he opens his mouth because he sounds as manly as a cockney Michael Jackson.
To help break the monotony of the job, I began praciticing a little trick. Because I was using the oven a lot, I had to use these big oven mitts. Soon I began throwing the mitts high into the air, and literally throwing my hands into them, in one smooth motion. Man it was cool. It reminded me of this- but way cooler.On the 2nd day on the way home, the quiet train stopped, and suddenly it was full of drunk, noisy, singing kids. They had just come back from a beach party. They held up the train enough for me to miss my connection. I got home at 1:30, and had to leave home again at 7am. To save time for sleeping, I abstained from showering. I figured that I don't really need to be clean since I am only handling food all day. Besides, all the hippies eating the burritos will be used to eating unsanitary food.
I usually love mexican food. If I had a choice of food when I was living at home, I would always choose something mexican. But now, I won't touch a burrito for at least 6 months. Thank you Lowlands for curing my love of mexican food... Our employers actually had 17 different food tents across the festival terrain. We were allowed to buy 3 euro tickets for "luxury food", or we could take free sandwiches. On the third day, I couldn't even contemplate eating another burrito, and the only thing that sounded good to me was a simple sandwich. I guess "luxury" is all about perspective. That tuna sandwich and the cheese spread sandwich were about the best thing I have ever tasted.
On the last day, the TexMex bosses had become more relaxed. Near the end, the main boss spotted me throwing some boxes into the giant dumpster. She yelled "You're supposed to fold them first! Now you are going to have to jump in and flatten them." Soon, a bunch of the bosses and others were sitting outside, and me and 6 or 7 others were jumping into the dumpster. Then the bosses said- "do flips!", as they took a video with their cellphone. So yes, I finished my weekend of work with doing flips into a giant pile of rubbish as if it were a swimming pool.
So instead of watching famous bands and up-and-comers play at one of the best festivals in Holland, I will remember Lowlands for disgusting burritos and doing tricks with oven mitts and jumping into a pile of trash.
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