There is no more simple pleasure in life than free money. That’s what makes life so great as a student eligible for a living allowance – especially when, due to the earthquake you have yet to take a single class. It’s like being on the benefit without the social shame. For those who aren’t lucky enough to be old or have really poor parents, I sincerely say to you: “Haha”. You have to pay all that money back.
I felt vindicated after finally being eligible for a student allowance. Several years ago I finished my undergraduate degree. My parents were – according to the government – rich, just like all other part-time teachers, so I had a considerable loan to pay back. I went off into the real world (i.e. overseas) with the loan growing fat, and managed to pay it all off. But now that I’m old and the money is free, I came back to study.
However, it hasn’t been all I expected it to be. Who would have thought that they would make it so difficult to claim your free money? It’s hard work, and hard work isn’t why I came back to University. I guess if they made claiming free money a pleasurable experience everyone would be doing it, and where’s the money in that?
First of all, something I am sure every student has had to deal with by now: the Studylink hotline. If you manage to even get through, you will be put on hold for at least 15 minutes. In those 15 minutes, you are pummelled with patronising recorded messages telling you to go online. This is what I call “FAQ service” (pronounced: “Fuck-you service”).
Then you are bombarded by the songs are done justice by being played on a tiny telephone receiver. Forget students, I think the Finn Brothers, Bic Runga and Dave “Kiddyfiddler” Dobbyn are probably the biggest beneficiaries from Studylink, with the royalties they must surely get from the thousands of people being put on hold every day. It took all my willpower to abstain from booing Dave Dobbyn at the Christchurch Earthquake memorial. I never liked these songs much anyway, but now every time I hear them, I just hope that there isn’t a kitten nearby, because if there is, I will strangle it. I predict that Kiwi Music Week this year will be a dark time for kittens all over the country.
Lastly, the most infuriating thing is when you finally get through to the call-centrist, they are polite and helpful, when what you really want to do is defecate into the receiver.
However, maybe there is method to Studylink’s induced madness. First of all, for the time you spend on the phone, or on their website, or posting away signed forms in duplicate, or – god forbid – standing in line, you are paid well. You end up getting stressed for no reason, and you start despising your boss. It is actually great preparation for a university student about to enter the corporate world. You will get your 200 dollars, but before you pass Go, they will make you come to a full halt.
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