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The Student Economy
Many students want a part-time job, but between the state of the economy and the fact that the CBD is now little more than a crater, the job market is especially tight right now. Browsing through trademe jobs, Student Job Search and the Saturday edition of The Press Classifieds is always entertaining – particularly where almost every listing invariably says: “Good communication skills essential” and “experience required.”
First of all, why are good communication skills so essential for menial jobs such as cleaning houses? All the home-owner has to do is give you a mop and point to the wet patch. Furthermore, how do you measure communication skills? It doesn’t even say which language. I suspect that “good communication skills” is simply code for “retards need not apply.”
However, even if you have an IQ of more than 70, first of all congratulations, but you still need experience if you want to earn that sweet minimum wage. Basically, this is where you have two equally valid options: tell the truth, or lie.
If you are going to tell the truth, be aware that whatever you say will have the air of desperation. It will sound something like this: “This will be my first time, and I am quite nervous about it, but I think I am ready and I will be very grateful. If given the opportunity, I will do my very best and I won’t stop or rest until you are satisfied with the job I have done.”
Telling a lie about your past experiences, on the other hand, will do you no good either. They’ll somehow know, and then halfway through the job they’ll ask you “this is your first time, isn’t it?”, and you’ll blush profusely and say something like, “No, but it was a long time ago”, and everything will just be awkward until you leave. Then she’ll never call you again.
However, there are some ways to earn money that don’t require experience. I am talking about being a human guinea pig. These have a bad reputation since the film Firestarter, which starred a 9-year old Drew Barrymore who could control fire with her mind. However, there might also be some negative effects from such clinical trials, though it’s best not to ask.
You may have been aware of the kerfuffle surrounding SJS recently for taking down an advertisement for a nude handyman. Then they were also getting criticisms for leaving up an ad for a product test to “test a brand of cigarettes and provide feedback.” Ah, SJS is always looking out for the wellbeing of students, since nudity is obviously more harmful than smoking.
There was an advertisement on campus for a psychological trial. The next line said it was for homosexual men only. I can’t say that I wasn’t a little curious, but it wasn’t enough to make me want to switch teams.
The orientation pack also contained a voucher for getting a Brazilian wax for $38. I went to bargain with them and told them I would let them wax me for $50, but they quite rudely told me to go away.
However, if you are lucky enough to own your own set of boobs, there are always ads for escorts and strippers - no experience necessary! Presumably, communication skills aren’t important either (i.e. retards are free to apply). That’s when I realised how appropriately named Trademe really is. Because to get a student job in this economy, you will on some level have to whore yourself out.
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