The Even Greater Tokyo Region

Welcome to Ruben in Japanland, the unoriginally-titled sequel to Ruben in Dutchland.

Don`t be fooled though. It has the same characters, the same plot, the same stupid jokes... only the setting is different. Just like every new season of survivor.

So yes, as some of you may have established, I am in Japan. For those who don`t know where Japan is, find a nice, big, heavy atlas and ask a more knowledgeable friend to hit you over the head with it.

So... I came to Japan almost 2 weeks ago on the JET programme, which has been recruiting unqualified people, like me, to teach English in Japanese Schools since 1986. They put you in a school somewhere in Japan, or in my case “nowhere” in Japan. I was put in Toyama prefecture. What do you mean you haven’t heard of it? It`s famous for tulips. It`s famous for the delicious water. They have some of the best fish in Japan. Ring any bells?

Didn’t think so. If you are interested, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toyama_Prefecture

Didn’t think so. But the first paragraph says,
“Toyama is the leading industrial prefecture on the Japan-sea coast, and has the industrial advantage of cheap electricity. The Itai-itai disease occurred in Toyama around 1950.”
This has been a presentation paid for by the Toyama Board of Tourism.

But everything is pretty good though. You are looked after very well. And by that I mean, I am well overpaid. And living in the countryside in Japan has its benefits. Instead of having to live in an apartment so small that the kitchen has to double up as a toilet (god bless insinkerators), my 2 room plus dining/kitchen apartment is quite big, and it doesn’t even cost as much as my one room I had back in Christchurch. (if you don’t know where Christchurch is, you just don’t learn, do you.). So I`m sure that a lot of you, especially you more qualified people, want to hit me over the head. That has already been taken care of. My apartment is equipped with deadly doorways at my eye level. So, when I start feeling too good about my situation, those doorways put me back in my place. For me, it is like living in a doll-house. After all, I am almost 6 foot 2.

Since it is summer right now, we have the summer holidays. That does not, however, mean that we have a holiday. Where did you get such an absurd idea? I`m not completely sure, but I think I`m supposed to make lesson plans for the rest of the year. So until then, I have to come to school. I have a desk. Who would`ve thought that a recent B.A. graduate with no work experience could get a sweet apartment and a job with his own desk... without a cash register? Basically, until school starts in September, I will just be sharpening pencils. (Note to self: buy some more pencils) As I say, “underqualified, overpaid, this is the dream”.

I`m sorry, I`m not being very professional right now. I really do take my job seriously. I am the ceremonial foreigner. I even have 1 1/2 days in my weekly schedule where I tour the primary and kindergarten/nursery schools. I`m kindof like a travelling circus. I already have most of my act figured out;

~Card Tricks
~Play guitar (badly) and sing songs.... At the same time... (hopefully, if all goes well, it will be the same song, but I cannot guarantee this)
I haven`t decided on whether to finish my act by juggling a few brave volunteers, or breaking tiles with my bare hands. And, if time permits, maybe I will teach some English. When the time actually comes, I will tell you how it all goes down. Feel free to start a betting pool on how long it takes for me to get deported.

So far though, there has been very little work. To give you an idea, I have been here for 13 days, and I have had about 17 hangovers. There are a lot of people`s names to forget, official business like meeting the mayor (this was a newsworthy story in the local paper), and doing administrative things like getting a bank account, mobile, insurance, which sounds boring enough, but in Japan, they manage to make it even more boring with a two-pronged approach. The first prong is, knowing that you can`t understand them and that you don’t need to know anyways, they speak in uncomprehensible Japanese, and secondly, they prong you by making you wait unnecessarily long. So, I`m being kept plenty busy. I can`t wait to buy a car next week.

That is, if I`m not deported by then.