Flies Getting Caught
I have a history of putting the hurt on disgusting creatures, such as this gallery of the destroyed remnants of mosquitos I massacred in my bedroom. And now is the follow-up.
Way back in my first year of university we had a cleaning lady come by every week to 'sanitise surfaces'. Basically that meant she felt justified in telling us off if we weren't clean enough. Anyway, being summer when I arrived, the place was swarming with flies. After a while, it drove me insane. I vividly remember losing my shit, rolling up a newspaper and going on what can only be called a "rampage". Not only were there pieces of flies smeared all over the walls, I was hitting them so hard that the newspaper itself was leaving streaks all over the white walls. Sure enough the cleaning lady wrote a passive aggressive message telling me not to "crush the flies".
So there was only one thing to do: I had to up my game. Over the course of the extended summer, I honed my skills and learnt to catch them. First I crept up behind them, and was surprised when I got them, but pretty soon I was catching them with ease, and catching them directly out of the air. Sometimes I would catch two in one hand, or even one in each hand.
However, with my technique, the flies were still very much alive in my hand. I coouldn't bring myself to squeeze them to death, so instead I learnt that if I threw them against the wall, they would pretty much die. That started a whole year where I would catch flies, throw them against the fridge and then kick them underneath. I like to imagine the cleaning lady's face when at the end of the year she pulled out the fridge to see a fly-graveyard. That will teach her to cross me.
The skill has never left me. It has become a bit of a party trick. One BBQ in Japan was so swarming with flies that I spent almost the whole time catching them and putting them into a soft-drink bottle. Everyone probably thought I was weird, but I was so proud and trying to show off my "Fly Zoo". Lately in the new flat, we have a similar problem, and I decided to have fun with it. Here I present the exclusive video of Flies Getting Caught. [Note, it is based on - and uses the soundtrack of - SNL's People Getting Punched Just Before Eating. If you haven't see it, you should probably watch it first.]
Enjoy!
Related Viewing:
From the Karate Kid 3 (which is taken from the myth of Musashi)
Obama being awesome during an interview. (which hilariously angered PETA)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Book Report
Since arriving in Christchurch and until Monday, I have had more than a month of unemployment, although that doesn't sound very nice. I prefer to call it PMS - "Pre-Mature Studentness".
Obviously, I had to do something to fill in my time, and since I am easily influenced by the corrupting influence of Gangster Hip Hop, I decided to read a book.
(Warning: if you weren't tipped off by the words "gangster hip hop", this video does contain a few naughty words.)
But really, for somebody who enjoys writing so much, it really is a shameful secret how little I actually read myself. So, I used this time before my student life (or, my "studentness") really begins to try and remedy that. So far I have downed a book every day and a half, and some of them don't even have pictures.
In this process, I have learned many things - mainly how awesome public libraries are in New Zealand. I mean, they have confortable seats, some have wifi, and they stock awesome books. It would be even cooler if I was younger and liked comic books and computer games, because they have them here too. Of course, I have learned some things within the books themselves too, and now I am giving my unofficial, incomplete book report, in no particular order.
1. Richard Dawkins: Unweaving the Rainbow
Richard Dawkins may be a scientist, calm mannered, proper, nerdy and weedy. But my word is he a pimp. Sure he pimp-slaps religion, as this book is before his God Delusion, but he goes on to genuinely destroy other loads of crap like Astrology, alternative medicine and anyone who uses scientific language to make themselves - or whatever they're selling - sound good. And the best part is, he manages to put poetry into science.
2. Dr. Seuss - A Double Dose of Horton
I originally wanted to get out Green Eggs and Ham for my Russians who shockingly did not know that book. However, Horton is not a bad substitute. It's strange that I've never even accidentally seen any part of the movie, but oh well. I learnt from this book that Americans can rhyme "Mayor" with "there". Eek. Either Dr. Seuss was from the deep south, or all Americans are as bad as rhyming as Kanye West.
3. Toulouse Lautrec and the fin de Siecle
A brilliantly written book - if not too long and sparse on pictures. It explained in detail about Paris at the end of the 19th Century including the real origins of Le Chat Noir and the Moulin Rouge. Especially notable was the throwaway sentence about how there was a performer in the 1890's in Paris who was a flatualist. Just like this guy.
4. Shakespeare - Othello
Wait, Othello was black?
5. Bill Bryson - Mother Tongue
Very interesting, and it made me lose my prejudice towards American English. Or, at least I thought so until I made that joke about Americans a couple of paragraps ago.
6. Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson
I was looking for Dave Barry books, because he is hilarious. It turned out this was a children's book. So, being a male in my mid 20's rummaging through the young adult section in the library, I felt like everyone was automatically judging me as a kiddy fiddler.
7. Dave Barry - Money Secrets
The classic Dave Barry I love so much. At a library! I remember 5 years ago I would go down to the bookstore every saturday to read Dave Barry books, and now I can take them home for free? Sorry Dave if you are reading this. I promise to buy all your books someday.
8. Manet: By Himself
This was a collection of letters that Manet wrote and recieved, as well as some essays and brilliant pictures. Yes, that is why I love Art History so much - it's all an excuse to look at nice pictures.
9. Clawing at the Limits of Cool
This book explored the early years of Miles Davis and John Coltraine, who I now know are important figures in the history of not only Jazz, but music, culture, and civilization as we know it. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't base all my knowledge from one (albeit convincing) book, but it definitely makes me listen to jazz differently. And there was a great quote by Coltraine who was asked by Davis why he was eating so many bananas. Coltraine replied: "Gorilla's eat banana's, and they're strong as a motherfucker."
10. Courbet
This was a collection of essays about a truly underappreciated artist. One particularly controversial but historically significant work is called "The Origin of the World", which is now hanging in the Musee d'Orsay in Paris. Now, it is basically a picture of a woman from an unusual angle. Use your imagination (or if you can't be bothered click here). Anyway, when I got to the chapter on the significance of this work, I found that the pages were stuck together. "Gross" I thought, until I realised that some lame librarian or concerned citizen had taken to it with glue to censor the book. Ah, I love when an artwork can stay controversial 150 years later. That takes talent.
12. Stephen Colbert - I am America (and so can you)
I am quite ashamed to have borrowed this book from the library, as Stephen Colbert explicitly instructs any reader to make sure that they have their own copy. (There is even a space to write your name). Nevertheless, I am very grateful that libraries are so awesome.
So that's the end of my incomplete book report. I think I have done quite well so far, so I am going to go ahead and give myself my own grade.
Anyway, since University is about to start again, don't expect another book report from quite some time. That is, unless they require me to make a book report.
Since arriving in Christchurch and until Monday, I have had more than a month of unemployment, although that doesn't sound very nice. I prefer to call it PMS - "Pre-Mature Studentness".
Obviously, I had to do something to fill in my time, and since I am easily influenced by the corrupting influence of Gangster Hip Hop, I decided to read a book.
(Warning: if you weren't tipped off by the words "gangster hip hop", this video does contain a few naughty words.)
But really, for somebody who enjoys writing so much, it really is a shameful secret how little I actually read myself. So, I used this time before my student life (or, my "studentness") really begins to try and remedy that. So far I have downed a book every day and a half, and some of them don't even have pictures.
In this process, I have learned many things - mainly how awesome public libraries are in New Zealand. I mean, they have confortable seats, some have wifi, and they stock awesome books. It would be even cooler if I was younger and liked comic books and computer games, because they have them here too. Of course, I have learned some things within the books themselves too, and now I am giving my unofficial, incomplete book report, in no particular order.
1. Richard Dawkins: Unweaving the Rainbow
Richard Dawkins may be a scientist, calm mannered, proper, nerdy and weedy. But my word is he a pimp. Sure he pimp-slaps religion, as this book is before his God Delusion, but he goes on to genuinely destroy other loads of crap like Astrology, alternative medicine and anyone who uses scientific language to make themselves - or whatever they're selling - sound good. And the best part is, he manages to put poetry into science.
2. Dr. Seuss - A Double Dose of Horton
I originally wanted to get out Green Eggs and Ham for my Russians who shockingly did not know that book. However, Horton is not a bad substitute. It's strange that I've never even accidentally seen any part of the movie, but oh well. I learnt from this book that Americans can rhyme "Mayor" with "there". Eek. Either Dr. Seuss was from the deep south, or all Americans are as bad as rhyming as Kanye West.
3. Toulouse Lautrec and the fin de Siecle
A brilliantly written book - if not too long and sparse on pictures. It explained in detail about Paris at the end of the 19th Century including the real origins of Le Chat Noir and the Moulin Rouge. Especially notable was the throwaway sentence about how there was a performer in the 1890's in Paris who was a flatualist. Just like this guy.4. Shakespeare - Othello
Wait, Othello was black?5. Bill Bryson - Mother Tongue
Very interesting, and it made me lose my prejudice towards American English. Or, at least I thought so until I made that joke about Americans a couple of paragraps ago.6. Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson
I was looking for Dave Barry books, because he is hilarious. It turned out this was a children's book. So, being a male in my mid 20's rummaging through the young adult section in the library, I felt like everyone was automatically judging me as a kiddy fiddler.7. Dave Barry - Money Secrets
The classic Dave Barry I love so much. At a library! I remember 5 years ago I would go down to the bookstore every saturday to read Dave Barry books, and now I can take them home for free? Sorry Dave if you are reading this. I promise to buy all your books someday.
8. Manet: By Himself
This was a collection of letters that Manet wrote and recieved, as well as some essays and brilliant pictures. Yes, that is why I love Art History so much - it's all an excuse to look at nice pictures.9. Clawing at the Limits of Cool
This book explored the early years of Miles Davis and John Coltraine, who I now know are important figures in the history of not only Jazz, but music, culture, and civilization as we know it. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't base all my knowledge from one (albeit convincing) book, but it definitely makes me listen to jazz differently. And there was a great quote by Coltraine who was asked by Davis why he was eating so many bananas. Coltraine replied: "Gorilla's eat banana's, and they're strong as a motherfucker."10. Courbet
This was a collection of essays about a truly underappreciated artist. One particularly controversial but historically significant work is called "The Origin of the World", which is now hanging in the Musee d'Orsay in Paris. Now, it is basically a picture of a woman from an unusual angle. Use your imagination (or if you can't be bothered click here). Anyway, when I got to the chapter on the significance of this work, I found that the pages were stuck together. "Gross" I thought, until I realised that some lame librarian or concerned citizen had taken to it with glue to censor the book. Ah, I love when an artwork can stay controversial 150 years later. That takes talent.
12. Stephen Colbert - I am America (and so can you)
So that's the end of my incomplete book report. I think I have done quite well so far, so I am going to go ahead and give myself my own grade.
Anyway, since University is about to start again, don't expect another book report from quite some time. That is, unless they require me to make a book report.
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Sunflower Bandit
Last time on the Great Re-Migration, I showed you around the house and all the wonderful things there are to be done. However, there is a darker side of our neighbourhood: the underbelly of crime.
The Russians have been busy over the last year tilling the fields, plowing, and lovingly tending to their crops, and this summer has a substantial harvest. There are tomatoes, cherry-tomatoes, potatoes, lettuces and freakishly-shaped courgettes that I am not sexually secure enough to describe. Here, see what I mean?
The keen observer may have noticed in earlier photos that there were also sunflowers in our garden. Well, the darker side of our neighbourhood showed itself when a distraght Russian said to me: "someone stole my sunflower."
Now, I am never quick to judge, and I always believe in the good of humanity. I mean, what kind of self-respecting person would steal a sunflower from a small front garden? Surely there is some logical explanation. Take a look at the evidence for yourself:
No, it was definitely stolen. But seriously, who steals a sunflower? That's like going into the cancer ward at a children's hospital with a thumb-tac and popping all the balloons. So obviously, we live in a dark underworld where we can trust no-one.
Let us imagine a world where stealing sunflowers was okay. Actually, you don't have to imagine. I have recreated that future with the help of sophisticated image-interfacing software.
It's pretty chilling future, I know. It is a future I never hoped I hoped I would never be a part of, but now it is here.
Of course, all of this is just a way to conveniently link to a masterful and under-rated (or rather - if it were a word - "under-known") Monty Python skit, which I have always named "The Lupin Bandit." It is in fact called "Dennis Moore".
Here is Part 2
And here is Part 3.
So as a precaution, the rest of the sunflowers were harvested, not quite yet ripe. Now they are out to dry in the living room. Now if any evil neighbour wants to steal them, they'll have to deal with a home-security system. That will learn them.
Last time on the Great Re-Migration, I showed you around the house and all the wonderful things there are to be done. However, there is a darker side of our neighbourhood: the underbelly of crime.
The Russians have been busy over the last year tilling the fields, plowing, and lovingly tending to their crops, and this summer has a substantial harvest. There are tomatoes, cherry-tomatoes, potatoes, lettuces and freakishly-shaped courgettes that I am not sexually secure enough to describe. Here, see what I mean?
The keen observer may have noticed in earlier photos that there were also sunflowers in our garden. Well, the darker side of our neighbourhood showed itself when a distraght Russian said to me: "someone stole my sunflower."
Now, I am never quick to judge, and I always believe in the good of humanity. I mean, what kind of self-respecting person would steal a sunflower from a small front garden? Surely there is some logical explanation. Take a look at the evidence for yourself:
No, it was definitely stolen. But seriously, who steals a sunflower? That's like going into the cancer ward at a children's hospital with a thumb-tac and popping all the balloons. So obviously, we live in a dark underworld where we can trust no-one.Let us imagine a world where stealing sunflowers was okay. Actually, you don't have to imagine. I have recreated that future with the help of sophisticated image-interfacing software.
It's pretty chilling future, I know. It is a future I never hoped I hoped I would never be a part of, but now it is here.
Of course, all of this is just a way to conveniently link to a masterful and under-rated (or rather - if it were a word - "under-known") Monty Python skit, which I have always named "The Lupin Bandit." It is in fact called "Dennis Moore".
Here is Part 2
And here is Part 3.
So as a precaution, the rest of the sunflowers were harvested, not quite yet ripe. Now they are out to dry in the living room. Now if any evil neighbour wants to steal them, they'll have to deal with a home-security system. That will learn them.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
The Russian House
The house on Rubens Place is known as the Russian House. I am making this known now so that in future references, I may quite possibly make Russian jokes. Although if I ever make any Yakov Smirnoff jokes, you have my permission to send me to the firing squad, that is, if they don't get to me first. "They" are the Russians who I am flatting with. Yes, like any (im)migrant, it is very difficult to interact with the regular locals. I know, soon the New Zealand neighbours will be saying "Those stupid Dutch and Russians always hang out with each other and don't try to integrate into society".
As has already been made public, I have a long affinity with Russian culture, by which I mean I once bought a Red Army hat for 50 cents. It was an excellent hat which served me well for a costume party and the equally ridiculous national elections in Holland.Furthermore, according to online computer facial recognition programs, the celebrity I most resemble is Dolph Lungdren. Okay, it is maybe a stretch to call him a celebrity, but we all know him as Ivan "The Russian" Drago from Rocky IV.
The photo below may remind you of me a little more.
Also, I enjoy doing a Natasha Fatale accent from the ancient cartoon series Rocky and Bullwinkle. For those who either don't know this series, or for those that love it, take a look and be reminded how great cartoons used to be.
Note: I have found that when doing this Natasha accent, to make perfectly clear that you are trying to sound Russian, is it best to also mime stroking an imaginary cat in the manner of a super-villain. I have yet to be drunk/brave enough to try this accent on my flatmates, but I am sure they will love it. Because everybody loves to have their accent imitated in front of them.
So, that is pretty much what goes on behind that picket fence of mine. And don't worry, I am strong-willed and will not succumb to selling state secrets.
On the other hand...
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Rubens Place
Rubens Place is not quite Disneyland or Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory, which are also both nice in their own ways.
The main rides at Rubens Place are the Road Bike Rally (Pictured above). If you love bicycling down flat, wide and eternally straight suburbs, this is the ride for you.
Next up is The Gauntlet (pictured below, also known as "my bedroom".)
If there was a door at the other end, this would basically be a hallway. Sadly, this room is still bigger than my last two bedrooms, so progress is always welcome, even depressingly small amounts of progress.
There are two sub-rides in The Gauntlet:
Next up at Rubens Place is the Mystery Ride. Whatever it is, it is happening on the other side of this very fence.
Don't be fooled by the white picket-fence. Nothing past these slats remotely resembles peaceful middle-class suburbia.
So come on down to Rubens Place, the place where excitment never had a chance to stop.
(Rubens Place: No exit)
Rubens Place is not quite Disneyland or Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory, which are also both nice in their own ways.
The main rides at Rubens Place are the Road Bike Rally (Pictured above). If you love bicycling down flat, wide and eternally straight suburbs, this is the ride for you.
Next up is The Gauntlet (pictured below, also known as "my bedroom".)
If there was a door at the other end, this would basically be a hallway. Sadly, this room is still bigger than my last two bedrooms, so progress is always welcome, even depressingly small amounts of progress.
There are two sub-rides in The Gauntlet:- The Office-Chair Roulette - It is a chair that spins around. Perfect for spinning around, should the need arise.
- The Single Bed - Okay, admittedly, this ride will probably be a let-down. I can sleep on the couch when you come visit.
Next up at Rubens Place is the Mystery Ride. Whatever it is, it is happening on the other side of this very fence.
Don't be fooled by the white picket-fence. Nothing past these slats remotely resembles peaceful middle-class suburbia.So come on down to Rubens Place, the place where excitment never had a chance to stop.
(Rubens Place: No exit)
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