What have we learnt from 2006?

This year has been a very eye opening experience, and although I've made a lot of stupid comments, I can't pretend I haven't grown as a person. Coming here on a whim (and a plane), to a small town in a part of Japan no-one has heard of, to live on my own and try to teach English to about 600 kids has been a great experience, and I would like to share some of what I have learned.

Things are often not as they seem, especially in Japan. This is not a new lesson, but maybe it is one you need to experience for yourself. A while back, I bought myself a lamp. I really enjoyed having this lamp. Halogen lights start to drive me crazy after a while, so I was annoyed when the bulb blew. This started off a series of excursions to find a replacement light bulb. Not sure exactly which one I needed, but while keeping my manly integrity of not asking for help, I bought 2 replacements. I got home and tried them out. Neither worked. They were frosted bulbs, so I lightly tapped them and heard the rattle of a broken light. It was annoying, but probably my own fault. In retrospect, I wasn't very careful with them on the way home.

A few days later, I went to another store and this time, asked for help. The guy was helpful, and sold me a 2 pack. This time, I was sure I got the right bulbs. I got home, and neither worked, and had that now-familiar broken-bulb rattle. I was annoyed. Not only did my lamp not work, I now had 5 broken light bulbs lying around (Now is not the time to discuss the rubbish/recycling system in Japan). A few days later, sick of not having a proper lamp, I went and bought a new desk lamp, with bulb included. Unbelievable. It didn't work either. By now it was getting ridiculous, and I was no longer amused. The next day I went to the supermarket and chose a new bulb, this time with no frosting. It was definitely intact. I walked back to the checkout, carrying the bulb as if it were a terrorist bomb. I was terrified it would break at any moment. I cringed when the checkout girl manhandled it and put it into the shopping bag. I paid, and immediately checked it. 'My baby is fine', I thought.

I was so scared by this point, I even drove home carefully. Understand this, I drove extra carefully because I didn't want to break a light bulb. I got home, sneaked inside, inserted the bulb, plugged the lamp in, flicked the switch… nothing. The light bulb was visibly still intact. The same what I thought was a broken-bulb rattle confirmed that I now had in my possession, 6 perfectly fine light bulbs. 'The lamp must be broken', I surmised, as I resolved to leave it until next year.

(Before reading on, try and guess what the problem actually was…apart from me)

Last night during my big end-of-year apartment cleanup, I happened to stumble across the answer. Japanese apartments have complicated fuse boxes, which, in my apartment, isn't covered (hey! it's not a box at all!). It turns out the fuse for the particular power socket for my lamp was switched off. I vaguely remember hitting the fuse box with my guitar in a mad morning rush to get to school on time. (I didn't).

Looking back, wandering around the shops with a perfectly fine light bulb, trying to find a replacement… Buying a new lamp…The overall ridiculous and unnecessary lengths I went to amaze even myself… I think there was supposed to be a point to this fascinatingly mundane story, apart from highlighting my daftness, and my complete lack of masculine electric device competence…

At least now we have an answer to "how many Ruben's does it take to change a light bulb?".

Answer: Only one Ruben, but it requires 6 bulbs and 2 weeks.

Happy New Year everyone!

Ah, I love Christmas. That special time of year you spend at work with your workmates who never talk to you. That one time of the year you can sit at your desk all day long and do nothing productive. It really is a Christmas to remember.

I really don't mind too much. Being brought up by Dutch, I never really believed in Santa. Saint Nicholas and Santa in the same month. If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. I clearly remember my older neighbour telling me that it was your parents who read your Christmas wish-list and drink the milk and cookies. I wasn't shocked. I think, somehow, I already knew. I was much smarter than those fools who still write to Santa at 8 years old. Also, being brought up in New Zealand for the summer Christmas. Parents have a much harder job lying to their children to 'keep the magic of Christmas alive'. My parents, thankfully, weren't that dedicated.

To me, Christmas is a time where you avoid shopping areas even more than usual, and you have a day off. Okay, there are some exceptions, as Christmas is a very bust day at the office for certain essential public services such as hospitals, police and churches.

But no… Christmas did not come to Japan… It is just another day at work. I could've taken a day off, but there would be nothing to do, and besides, that isn't the point. It is just strange because the Japanese, in their efforts to be just like America (only cleaner, and less fat) also go crazy around Christmas, just like normal countries. It is completely commercialised (which is ideal in Japan as most people think a cross is just a pretty design to hang from a cheap, 3% real silver necklace), shops have been blasting carols for the whole of December, and there was even an old white guy dressed as Santa at the mall. Where they found an old white guy in this prefecture, I don't know. They could've imported it, of course.

However,HoHH there are two major differences I have discovered. Santa doesn't live on the North Pole, but in Finland. This is rather mysterious, but it is near fact in Japanese Santa folklore. Secondly, presents are opened on Christmas Eve. I think this has to do with the fact that everyone has to work or go to school on Christmas day, but when you think about it, this would mean that they open presents before Santa actually gives them. That is some classic Japanese efficiency.

So the first premise of my idea of Christmas was ruined. I had to work. The other one, avoiding shopping areas more than usual, also went out the window. It was a silly mistake. Its easy to forget its Christmas here sometimes, partly because I hang out a lot with a Christmas-hating New Zealander and a Jew. The afternoon after a night out which finished at 6:30AM, the Jew and I decided to go somewhere for coffee. In our town, that inevitably means a minimum half-hour drive. So we drove to perhaps the biggest mall in the prefecture. As we saw the mall on the horizon, we realised our fatal mistake. It was Christmas Eve. The mall looked more like Mecca. It was a 15 minute struggle to get a parking space, and twice as long to leave.

However, I have not gone through a year without celebrating a Christmas of sorts. The New Zealand Association of Toyama prefecture threw a swanky Christmas party. Needless to say, I was the only New Zealander there. I went to this party with a healthy amount of scepticism. You see, these things are moth lights for people I call "Eikaiwa (English conversation) sluts". Especially in Toyama prefecture, English speakers are very rare, so many go to conversation classes, and try to find a foreign person to talk at. I mean, I don't mind speaking English to Japanese people, but they will have to pay.

Materialistically, it was a great party though. It cost only about 10$ US (double for non-foreigners… for once, racism is in my favour. It is sweet being a minority sometimes). It was an all you can eat and drink, and much of it was imported goods. I easily regained my losses. And surprisingly, I wasn't a speech practice target. It was worthwhile going, but the concerning thing was how New Zealand was represented.

This picture is of the display at the front. Australians were also invited. A koala is fine for that… But a sheep for New Zealand is practically an insult. I can see the New Zealand Association of New Zealand is doing some fine P.R. work. However, Christmas is no time for bitterness, so I will finish by wishing you all a better Christmas than I had.

In Japan, it's nearing the end of the year. You know what this means: another excuse to drink heavily. The Japanese take their end-of-year parties very seriously, to the point of ridiculousness. Having just got over the worst of my hangover, I feel ready to tell my story.

Because of this party, the school actually closed at 5:30. That never happens. I once stayed behind, playing on the computer and observing the teachers. I really don't think they do any work; it's more of a "see who caves and goes home first". It was me who caved just after 5:30, but the teachers are professionals, and I wouldn't be surprised if some days they stay at their desk until the morning, staring out the other teachers.

So the school closed at 5:30, and all the teachers, the office ladies and even the lunch ladies (who rarely leave their kitchen/cellar) climbed onto the bus. There seems to be a strict class system at Japanese schools, where the Principal is treated like a royal corgi, and the lunch ladies are spat on. This day was special, the lunch ladies were allowed to ride on the bus with normal people. Taking a coach bus and a driver to the destination doesn't seem like a bad idea. Unless you consider that the place was a literal 5-minute drive away.

On the way there, we had a rest stop. It seems a little excessive, but I went along with it. The day was already strange enough, and I wasn't questioning anything anymore. A teacher said to me, "leg spa". I think he meant "foot spa". It was really odd: me and 7 guy teachers sitting on an outdoor park bench/pagoda with their feet in a pool of hot water. Also, since it is winter, there was a nice hot/cold contrast going on.

Finally we got to the destination. Generally, these things are done at traditional Japanese restaurants where they serve raw fish, or whole fish with a variety of terrified gaping faces. Furthermore, beer and sake is freely distributed, and your glass is never allowed to be empty. In western countries, people like to display their drinking prowess by building empty beer can towers, or by amassing a big collection of empty bottles. The Japanese way everyone gets equally drunk, and makes it impossible to know how drunk you really are.

Not drunk enough, it turns out. There was a presentation of the top 10 ten news items for the school. It was quite entertaining. The person the news was aimed at was given an empty bottle to use as a microphone, and they had to make a speech. Anyhow, it was only a supplementary to the top 10, but I did get a mention. It was "Ruben's card tricks were very wonderful", or words to that effect. In this situation, the only thing you can really say is: "pick a card, any card". This is an example of why I am so good at my job. It was a high-pressure situation with a big audience, including the royal corgi, and I had to overcome the obstacle of being drunk. It worked out for everyone; they were entertained, and I didn't have to speak into an empty bottle.

It was a good party. It is just nice that for once, the teachers don't have to pretend to be busy at work. Also, I got to thank the lunch ladies for all the good work they do. Next was the '2 ^nd level'. It's basically the same thing, except only the male staff came. More food, more beer, more sake, only by this point, I don't think many others were drinking anymore. My motto is, if its there, drink it. (This is another reason why I did not enjoy the leg spa… I think my motto needs revising). When I got back to my town, I had a 3 ^rd level. You can always have some more sake. In all, it was a brilliant night.

The best part about the night, however, must be the timing. It was on a Thursday. And Friday morning was for the closing ceremonies. 90 minutes of hangover hell, in a cold gymnasium… It is the Japanese way… (Stupid.)

Life as a professional educator in Japan

So you think just anyone can do what I do? "What qualities does Ruben possess that I don't?", you're thinking. Maybe you've even decided you want to come to Japan too… Whatever. I realise that so far, I haven't detailed my job much past "sharpening pencils". There is, naturally, much more that I do in a working week, although pencil sharpening is a large part of what I do. (This is not to say that I am entrusted to sharpen pencils belonging to my colleagues. Not yet anyhow.)

The average working week begins on Monday. Yes, Japan has the same days of the week that most English speaking countries have. I snooze both my alarms a minimum of 5 times. I usually breakfast on bread, which, as all Japanese people know, is what all foreigners have. I also, unusually for Japan, shower in the morning. They can make a pet robot dog, but the Japanese have still yet to uncover the simple pleasure of a morning shower, (for oneself, and nearby others).

I arrive at school, 10 minutes late, and 40 minutes later than all teachers, office ladies, lunch-ladies, school nurses, gardeners, pool guys, and all students. Yes, the students all come to school a full hour before any classes start. Don't ask me; I don't know what they do either. If I had to guess, I would think they would be getting a few hours of work in at a sweatshop. I mean, you don't just become the 2 ^nd largest economy in the world by accident.)

Two mornings a week I "teach" at different elementary schools. I used the "Sarcastic Speech Marks", because I firmly believe that you can't possibly learn a language in one class per month. It would be like trying to lose weight by dieting one day per week. So I figure that my main responsibility is to entertain, under the guise of education. This month, being December, I have been playing "we wish you a merry Christmas" on the guitar. It is one of the less cheesy x-mas songs around, but trust me, after playing it 5 times over in 4 different classes, it gets mightily annoying. I mean, that is nearly 15 times in one morning. But then, what would Christmas be without the Christmas carol-induced psychotic fantasies?

I do have a small anecdote about teaching at elementary schools. I don't mean to brag, but this story does prove that I am in fact, the greatest teacher in the world. I was "teaching" animal names. The cards I used happened to include a dragonfly. This is quite a rare word for Japanese kids, so it took quite a bit of explaining. I then broke the word up. "Dragon", I said. "Dragon Ball Z" shouted the majority of the boys. "Fly", I said, as I lifted a clenched fist into the air, opened my hand, and a fly escaped. It was surreal. What happened was, while the boys were showing off their English by shouting out "Dragon Ball Z", a fly happened to land just in front of me. I seized the opportunity, and the fly. The effect of releasing that fly was electric. The class broke out into spontaneous applause.

Now ask yourself: "can I really do what Ruben does?"

The majority of my week is spent at a middle school of 13-15 year olds. These classes are what most people on the Jet Programme do. Basically, we sit in on English classes where a Japanese English Teacher teaches rigidly from a bad textbook. The foreigner (that would be me), reads aloud deep and meaningful passages and dialogues from this textbook. I don't mind doing this so much. It is much like a poetry recital. Here is an actual piece of text:

Jim: Hi Yuki.

Yuki: Hello Jim.

Jim: Yuki, you look great in that sweater.

Yuki: Oh, no… not really.

(this is the 2^nd stanza)

Yuki: Mike, can I ask a question?

Mike: Sure. What is it?

Yuki: Well, Jim is always saying nice things to me. Is he in love with me?

Mike: Oh, … I don't know. Maybe he's just very polite.

Do you see what I mean? It is very much like poetry, only poetry is much more subtle. At this school I also teach my own classes. Not on my own, but I do have creative control. Its like being the actor/director, but you don't own the movie. For these classes, the students want to just play games and have fun, and the teachers want me to help them practice what we learned earlier. My students are too young to be taught pickup-lines, so my solution is to entertain everyone, including the teacher. What can I say? Its what I do. I often bring my guitar to play some songs, I will do card tricks if I need to. And if all else fails, they can line up to stroke my hair.

But mostly, since I am not a real teacher in anyone's eyes, I sit around at my desk. I have had whole days where all I do, professionally, is consume lunch. That is fine by me, as the school lunches are fantastic at my school. You get 3 bowls of either rice, bread, soup, meat, fruit, salad, fried stuff, and always we get a small carton of milk.

Also, once per week, I teach an afternoon at a kindergarten. I rotate between 4 different schools in my town. This means, that I teach every singe child under 15 who lives in this town. I am probably the only foreigner they know, apart from the guy I replaced… although, to be honest, I'm not sure that many people realise that I'm a different guy. I'm still called "Nathan" on a regular basis. I guess they have a point: all foreigners do look the same.

Anyhow. The kindergarten classes. These are the highlight of my professional week. Sure, most of the kids don't know the difference between Nathan and me, but then, they probably couldn't pick their own father out of a police line-up. I show up and entertain them for half an hour. However, they are so young and cute, they probably entertain me more. Like when I said I'm from New Zealand. "Disneyland!!!" they cried out in jealousy at my country of birth… Then they invite me back after 10 minutes to have snacks. Also, I get a 2 ^nd carton of milk this day. It really is the best day of the week.

I hope now that I have explained my professional life, you all have a better idea of what my job entails, and that you have gained a much deeper respect for me, and what I do.

…

… No, I thought not.

I would like to start off by apologising for my lengthy absence from Ruben in Japanland. I do have a very good excuse, and that is, I have finally immersed myself completely into Japanese society, every day at work is the same as the one before, and no-one considers me to be foreign anymore. Life in Japan has become rather tedious.

I would also like to add, for good measure, that the weather here is wonderful, the sky is purple, and Steven Seagal is a wonderfully talented actor.

Now we have gotten rid of the gullible people, lets begin. The real reason I haven't been updating my web log is because of a little Japanese test run held once a year worldwide. I famously failed last year by 0.75 of a percent, so I was extremely devoted to passing this year. So devoted, in fact, that every moment I wasn't teaching, preparing for classes and commuting between schools and home… every moment I wasn't playing basketball, going shopping, cooking or going to all-you-can-drink bars on weeknights, I was studying. Such was my commitment to passing.

The test came around much too soon. It wasn't so bad. The test site was filled with so many foreigners like Japan hasn't seen in 62 years. It was nice to be reminded that, contrary to popular belief in Japan, not all foreigners speak English. Whether I'll pass or not… It would be nice to not have to study for this test for a third year. I'll let you all know when I find out. The good thing about Japanese people is their promptness. The results will be announced promptly in February…2009.

As I may have mentioned once before, but even if I did I wouldn't expect you to remember, I joined the basketball club in Tonami. Ironically, the team name is "Tonami Basketball Club". I have been training with them for a few months now, twice a week. There have been two practice games, which I have been unable to attend due to being classed as an "import player", and scheduling problems, but I was really itching to play in a proper game. It has been over a year since my last game….

Finally I got the call. It was the prefectural knockout tournament. Our team is traditionally very strong, so we entered in the 3 rd to last round. I eagerly paid the US$ 360 for my uniform. It's expensive, I know. But the uniform is really nice, and it has two sets. Besides, joining a team even in New Zealand is expensive.

So the game day arrived. I wasn't on the starting five, which I wasn't shocked by. They were a good team without me. However, the game did not start off too well for us. The oppostion's centre [for the basketball illiterate, this means the huge, big dude that every team should have if they want to win a basketball game] was killing us. After 6 minutes of this punishment, we were a few points behind. That's when I got my first game time. Being the biggest [equal] guy on our team, I was marking the opposition's centre. Within 10 seconds, I had stolen the ball off him, passed the ball to a team mate, and ran down the court for an easy 2 points. It was an epic debut play.

From here on, the game was a blowout. My team gained confidence, the other team looked demoralised. We won comfortably by 40 points in the end.

Now I know that in Japan, it is very easy to become big-headed/overconfident/up-yourself/an asshole, especially when it comes to sport. I did realise the opponent was really not so strong, and I was looking forward to playing a better team.

Well, that never eventuated. See, as it turns out, the Japanese test was at the same time on the same day as the semi-final. I was torn, but the nerd in me eventually won. And our team lost. What I wasn't aware of was that this was the last tournament until next season. Meaning, my basketball career in Japan lasted all of one game. It also means I have a yet unused, mint condition uniform lying around. My next game might be around the time my test results come back. Promptly.

Fool of Suprises.

Today's edition is not written by a stupidly bored guy sitting at his desk. No, today's edition is just written by a stupid guy sitting in some internet cafe in a large, strange city at 2am.

It all started after school. Fridays... the day of promise. This weekend, the excursion is to Osaka. Yes, I am keeping true to my "get out of Toyama as much as possible" scheme. Chances are, if you have half a brain (i.e. you know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'), you will know at least these two Japanese cities: Tokyo and Osaka. Osaka is a big city. It's basically joined onto Kyoto and Kobe to form a carpet of population across the middle of Japan. Enough geograpy. (Please, don't quote me on this, its not like I'm a teacher)

The main reason for coming to Osaka is because my brother happens to live there. Another English teacher in my city was coming down too, so I caught a ride. I tell, you, although I am stuck in some seedy internet cafe in a strange metropolis, I do feel very lucky to be alive. I'm not saying my friend is a bad driver. No, exactly the opposite. For 3 1/2 hours, he navigated the highways in his barely road-legal pathetic excuse for a car, amongst the insane kamakaze Japanese drivers who were obviously trying to kill us.

So we arrived. I met my friends' host family. They were very nice. Too nice infact. I blame this whole situation on their niceness. The plan was to go to my brothers' place tonight. They all looked up the train times on the internet and their cellphones, discussed it in detail, and gave me a foolproof itinery to get to my destination. First, they took us out to a bar/restuarant.

So that was all good and well. The time quickly came for me to leave. I apologised/thanked them (in Japan there is little distinction between a thank you and a sorry), and went to the station. The foolproof plan turned out to be proof that I am a fool. The train I was supposed to catch was right there... The sign was not what I expected it to be. I watched it go away and waited for the next one. Normally this is fine, but not when you are planning to catch the last train...

So, naturally, I missed that train, and I found myself in a large district of Osaka, lugging my bags aroundm wondering what the hell I was going to to do until the morning... My first thought was a capsule hotel. As my Tokyo experience told me, they aren't so bad. However, the guys at the convenience stores knew of none. I came across a building with large writing in English "NIGHT INFORMATION". It was night. I needed information... The guys inside told me they were closed. This seems to happen often in Japan. They apparently don't like to lock the doors,instead preferring to make an awkward situation. Still, I asked them if they knew of a capsule hotel. Perhaps it was just a way to get rid of me, but they said there was none...

The saviour came when I saw this 24 hour internet/comic cafe. I paid about 30$ new zealand (US20) for 5 hours in a room with a computer, TV, and most importantly, a big comfy leather couch. It is much cheaper, and more fun than a stupid Capsule hotel. The night hasn't turned out so badly after all. And now, I will finish with a quote. I don't have a source, I'm sorry.
Nothing will ever be foolproof; they will always make a better fool.

Sorry to be all suspenseful about how the festival performance went. I made a late starting lineup change, opting for a different song that had less risk of public humiliation on the account of my voice. It was much easier to sing.... the drawback was that the song contains more than three chords. Infact, it contains six! This proved to be my downfall, as during my performance, I played the wrong chord, and stopped. I'm not much of performer, so I wasn't really aware that you are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Not me, I apologised, and started again from the chorus. A "do-over"... How childish is that? I then managed to "do-over" my mistake, stopping in exactly the same spot...

But overall, seeing the song was about 4 minutes long, I played probably 3 and a half of them without a mistake. If I was a professional basketball player, and I shot over 80%...

But that's not why you called. Today, I want to recount the adventures from the previous weekend. It was a long weekend, and that is a good opportunity to leave Tonami. The buses to Tokyo were all booked out, so it was time to enter the mysterious world of the JR train sytem... Leaving Tonami at 6pm, changing onto a full express train... The trains really do move, it is just unfortunate that between Toyama and Tokyo are these little things called the Japanese Alps. Anyhow, after an hour or so, all of a sudden, the train came to a halt. With my rapidly improving Japanese, I was able to pick out a lot of the announcements that were to follow. The first announcement was a very hesitant Japanese man. He struggle with the following words: "human body accident".

If you have been to Japan, you'll know exactly what this means. The explanation goes, that because of the Japanese fighting spirit, of always working your hardest, never saying your own feelings and always being submissive to your superiors, many people throw themselves infront of trains. I had heard this story many times before, and I might have possibly been on a train before that had to wait for the tracks to be cleaned up after such an accident. (just at that time, I couldn't understand the announcements).

This time, was a little different. The next announcements told that the police were coming, that this train was now a crime scene. From the train windows you could see all the emergency service vehicles, and workers walking up and down the tracks with torches. They really couldn't put humpty together again. It was all pretty unbelievable. It ended up being a 90 minute delay, which in effect, made us miss the changeover onto the bullet train to Tokyo. Luckily, JR held it up for us, and I did end up making it to Tokyo.

However, by that time it was already midnight. That night I wanted to try the infamous "capsule hotel". You may have heard of these. Because of the crazy land prices in Tokyo, they have these hotels which cram as many people as possible into the available space, which ends up resembling a coffin. I didn't feel like I was in a coffin, as much as one of those liquid filled pods in which the robots on the matrix breed human beings. It was odd. However, once inside, it was more like a high tech tent. There is a radio, a clock, a pair of slippers, some PJamas, Towel, and even a TV (with the option for pay-per-view... We all know what that means...). In the morning, they also provide showers, so in all, I will not dismiss capsule hotels.

Anyways, it was a fantastic weekend, yada yada yada... I'm sure you'd rather hear about how I was brought home by the police...

Disclaimer: the following story is completely out of chraracter, and I do feel very stupid. I am also not advocating alcoholism. But its really quite a funny story... No really useful braincells were harmed in the making of this story.

So it was a sunday night, just as I arrived back in Tonami. I had a day off the next day, so I was rather keen to go and have a few drinks. However, there was absolutely nothing open. Every bar we went into was closed or closing. This called for drastic measures... There is a karaoke place a reasonable distance from the town centre, but they are known to be open until late, and they have all you can drink... Yes, the infamous, reckless all you can drink. That was the end of me. Next thing I know, Im being woken up by 4 policemen. I am sitting against the side of a buliding alongside the main road. It is 8am, and probably half the population of Tonami saw me sleeping there on their way to work. Poor lady who worked at that building. She arrives, and sees an enourmous foreigner sleeping right by the door. She calls the police, who decide that 2 police officers wont be enough. Anyway, I go into the police car, which was the moment I realised I had no shoes on. The officers were very nice though, and they gave me a ride home.

I feel completely stupid about the whole thing, especially because noone at work has said anything, and I'm sure word must have spread. Also, do you know how hard it is to find shoes my size around here? I have no defence, except for that, usually all-you-can-drink places have very watered down drinks. I have decided though, as an act of redmption, that for the next month, I am giving up drinking while in Tonami.

I have trips lined up for the next 2 weekends.

Crash and Burn, it's a Festival

The word "festival" isn't often heard within the safe borders of New Zealand. Or, if it is, it would sound something like: "The Jazz music festival, see a concert every weekend". In general, New Zealanders are very unfestive. We are too laid back to give a..... care....There are really no events which can be called a proper festival. Sure, every year, when the Canterbury Crusaders (For the lucky people who don't know, this is a rugby team) win, all people from Christchurch celebrate being asses. Also, we have the Santa Parade when the streets are closed for a couple of hours to let a few cars with big advertising signs to drive through. Santa also makes a quick appearance.

I was in a Santa Parade once. It was not long after my under 14 basketball team became the South Island Champions. We were sponsored by a milk company, so we all wore our milk-boy track pants and jacket and dribbled a basketball behind the milk van through the streets. If you are wondering how this is relevant to a Santa Parade, I'm not really sure... I guess this milk company could supply you for the milk you leave out for Santa on Christmas eve...

So, in conclusion, New Zealand is not very festive. In this sense, Japan is New Zealand's evil twin. Or, good twin... I don't know, I haven't thought this through. It was just a bad way to say that there are many festivals in Japan.

There are many festivals in Japan. This sounds pretty good, and it usually is. Last time in Japan I went to many, and already this time I have been to many. There was a very famous one in my prefecture a few months back. "famous" in this case, means: "so crowded, it just isn't fun anymore". There was a crazy inpenetrable mass of people climbing up the mountain. It was a gauntlet of stall selling one of three different types of food. Mobs of very old, but deceptively strong, tiny, women wearing hats, were shoving and prodding me and anything else in their way, for the whole 4 hours I was there. I imagine it to be a similar experience to being in a locust plague. The only calm moment I got was in an already-full port-o-loo.

So that was fun. On the other end of the scale was a festival outside a convenience store. It wasn't a famous festival, and had exactly one stall, which sold the same three types of food.

And then we have the phenomenom of School festivals. I teach at two different elementary schools, and they both wanted me to attend their festival (both on the same day). It was on a weekend, but sure, a festival sounds like fun right? It was really quite lame. It might have been better if I wasn't so blatantly snobbed for the whole day. It was another of those moments when I realised how much of a freak I am. Its funny for a few moments, but very tiring for a whole day. It was definitely a festival, as the same 3 types of food were on sale. There was also a performance by every year group. The very young children put on a play. There was a lot of elbow nudging, which made it fun enough to watch. The middle students did tricks like bouncing basketballs, hula hooping, gymnasticsing, and unicycling, which gave many (fulfilled) opportunities for the kids to fall over. This was a crowd favourite; Japanese people love to see others publically embarrassed. The older kids put on a play, which went off without any mishaps. It is therefore, not worth continuing to talk about it.

This weekend is my main school's festival. These last two weeks have been very hectic. the schedule has been shuffled around so much, usually at the expense of my English classes. The pile of paper on my desk is growing at an unusually fast rate, and I'm finding myself completely alone in the staffroom more frequently. Everyone does seem to be very busy though. Everyone except for me. I think they are taking this festival very seriously, something which this New Zealander can't be trusted to do. (because its all so stupid!!! but funny). I have on my desk, a full written transcript for the festival's opening ceremony. It is all there, right down to the spontaneous banter. The festival is also notable for a few other reasons.

• I have to go to school on the weekend. I even have to teach some classes Saturday morning. Good luck trying to keep their attention...
• I am performing. They have a slot for me on stage to sing and play a song with my guitar.

This is a serious concern. For many reasons.

1. I am rubbish at guitar. I know a total of just three chords,and I dislike punk music. This is a bad combination.
2. I sound okay when I am playing on my own, or when the other people listening are drunk. The families of the students may be drinking, but I really need the majority of people to be drunk. Any ideas on how to get 177 kids drunk, please let me know!
3. I am not a performer. The largest group I have played to is one of my classes at school, and at least half of them were sleeping.

Most likely, it will be a complete disaster which will destroy the good image I have on the basis of being a foreigner. I have decided to a song by the Exponents, because they are a New Zealand band, but mainly because this song has three chords. I just might be able to pull it off. I do, however, have a secret weapon: the ability to produce "R" and "L" sounds. To a Japanese person, this is like Mongolian throat singing. I might be okay... I hope. At the very least, that will be 5 minutes where they cannot snob me. If, in the likely event I do crash to earth like a comet, I know I will at least be a crowd favourite. A publically humiliated foreign Mongolian throat singer. What a show that would be!

Anyhow, tune in next time to find out if I have any shred of dignity left after my performance.

Where did everyone go?

You know those moments when, all of a sudden, you realise you are completely alone? No, I'm not being symbolic and talking about being homesick. I'm talking about when I'm at school at my desk, performing very important tasks such as sharpening pencils and consuming lunch, and I look up to see an empty staffroom.

Last week, I finished my school lunch. I remember it clearly. It was Chinese style food. Don't get me wrong, I like Japanese food, I really do. Even though most of it sortof tastes the same. After a few days of Japanese food, Chinese food is a revelation. After licking the inside of the bowl clean, I stood up to put away my dishes. I heard the creak of my chair as I stood up. The staffroom was empty. It turns out that most of the students and teachers went to a modern dance recital. So, I had the whole afternoon on my own.

A few days earlier, just after cleaning time, the same thing happened again (unfortunately, without the chinese food). I was just curious where everyone had gone. Then I heard some clapping coming from the direction of the courtyard. All the teachers and students were there, lined up, wearing white gloves. A thought crossed my mind that they were going to be an angry mob, tracking down the minorities... that would be me. But I deciphered the hieroglyphs on the staffroom blackboard, and it was apparently an angrry mob collecting sweet potatoes. From the staffroom window I watched the them all go to what I know know as the school vegetable garden.

This is happening all too frequently. I have mentioned that I seem to be treated like a pet (only no-one ever throws a ball for me). This is quite common for the token foreigner at a school. There is the perception that:
A) We won't understand. (never mind that we may have studied Japanese before)
B) We don't need to know.
C) We just want to do the work, and go home right when school finishes.

I guess all arguments have some element of truth, but they are also very stupid. Some people say the reason the token foreigner is never told anything is because Japanese teachers are very busy. I don't buy this argument. Because I know they see me as a pet. Feed me daily, take me out for a walk every now and then (I'm good with children), and make sure there is water available. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm not being very serious. I don't mean to make fun of my colleages. I know they work very h...oh look, school has finished. I'm going home.

Give me a Sign

There are many unexplainable phenomenom in this world. Why, for example, do more people use Visa than any other credit card? Well, that isn't even unexplainable. Unexplainable has to be this last week, culminating on Thursday. I really don't have the answers for this one.

First of all, about a week ago, my Japanese English teacher nervously came up to me and showed me a piece of paper. She started saying something about recontracting. I had been forewarned about this by other people on the JET programme. For some reason, Japanese schools like to have a tenative schedule for about... the next 10 years. If a JET wants to stay on for a 2nd year, they have the option to resign... by the beginning of February. This particular piece of paper had a different deadline: the 20th of October. I have been in Japan for two months, teaching here for even less, and they are asking me to commit to a second year? So when she showed me this paper, I broke the awkwardness by laughing, "I know what this is about"... "Oh good" she said "So you're staying for a 2nd year!"... They just don't get it sometimes. Just to clear all this up, being the indecisive person I am, I will probably wait until the beginning of February to decide... by a coin toss.

Earlier this week, I had a memo left somewhere in the middle of the daily stack of papers. This one was an invite to an "Enkai", which if you looked it up in a dictionary, would be "banquet". Banquet is much too a classy word for what an Enkai is. A banquet scene makes me think of a marble floored hall, with tables covered in silk tablecloths and polished silverware. There are waiters with clean white towels draped over their forearm, all the ladies are wearing gloves and hats, and there is a string quartet playing quietly in the corner. An Enkai is basically a combination of a traditional Japanese dinner, and a NZ style piss-up. The mysterious part was that the invite was from the Board of Education, it was at a skifield resort, and it was for a thursday night- an overnight enkai. Surely they knew we had classes to pretend to teach at on Friday morning...

The monthly meeting for the 3 local ALT's at the Board of Education, was mysteriously moved ahead to October 19th- the same day as the Enkai.

The monthly meeting was different to other months. This time, we went to the BOE chief's office. This is a very busy man. He apparently never takes the time to meet with people unless there are local news crews around. (This is how I got on TV the first week of being here) The whole scenario seemed very unsubtle. The meeting was one of the strangest experiences in my life. The guy spent about half an hour explaining the weather patterns in this area of the world, in Japanese. He filled a classroom-sized whiteboard with diagrams. It was a very detailed explanation as to why the west coast of Japan is very snowy, while the east is very dry. It was very interesting, but I was just waiting for him to say, "ok, now sign here, here...and here". It never came.

We then had less than 2 hours to go home and get ready for this enkai. A mini bus taxi to the skifield (costing over $100US), and the banquet was commenced. I had a seat next to the Chief himself. He added a few extra details about the weather patterns, but I don't remember ever signing anything. I couldn't have, I was too busy eating. My word. There was so much quality food, but no-one was eating.

In all, it was a very good quality night. After the banquet finished, we descended the mountain, and a few guys from the BOE took us to some bars to drink some more. I just love the fact that employees at the Board of Education, ensured that we teachers got very drunk, on a Thursday night.

After a morning of teaching, I have recovered from my hangover, and yet, none of this is making any sense. All I know is that today is the 20th, and I haven't signed anything...

Two Months is all it took.

It was like whitening toothpaste WITH tartar control. You knew it would happen. It was like North Korea making nukes. Like Micheal Jackson reoffending. It was just the logical conclusion. Inevitable. I got bored of Tonami city.

Tonami city is the city I live in. I mean, it is silly for me, who comes from Nelson, to complain that Tonami is too small. Unlike Nelson, we have a mall here. In fact, we have two! We have mega stores, clothing chains, retaurants, a brilliant 2nd hand shop, convenience stores, giant electronic stores, supermarkets, a bowling alley, a train station...

A train station!!! Nelson has a train which is goes to the other end of the historic park. And yet, Tonami is more boring.

The only noticable omission infostructurally, is a lack of decent bars and nightclubs. There are 2 bars that I frequent ("frequent" should be taken very literally), but sometimes you just want something different. That is why we local Jets were very excited when we heard of a danceclub in our town. So we went along. It turned out to be just another tiny bar where they removed the majority of the chairs. There were DJs, who took up 1/3 of the dancefloor. Luckily, the DJs were so bad we didn't have much use for the dancefloor. We spent most of the time outside in the makeshift tent. The first few DJs weren't exactly terrible, they might have even been considered to be good had they been playing in a hotel lobby. But for a danceparty, it was about as exciting as watching the Queen Mother talk to Al Gore.

I was looking forward to the Reggae DJ who came at the end of the night. This guy was actually terrible. He wasn't just bad, he was maliciously ruining the genre of Reggae. Every 10 or 15 seconds, he wold turn down the volume, and scream as loud as he could into the microphone. He wouldn't have needed a microphone, considering the size of the room, to piss us all off. So we all went back outside. The moral of this story is, do not get ones hopes up when one hears of an event in Tonami.

So... Last weekend I was sitting around with another Jet trying to think of something to do. It was so boring it was almost painful. Eventually it wass decided we would just drive. Drive to the next town. This place was even worse than Tonami. It was so bad, that during our walk through the town, we found ourselves whispering to each other. It was mid afternoon. The shop doors were open, but no-one was inside. No-one was outside. The only people we saw was two sets of boys kicking a soccerball in the middle of the street. It seemed like the calm before an air raid.

So maybe Tonami isn't so bad after all. But from now on, it is important that we make our own fun here, preferably without getting arrested.

Accustomisation to Japan?

There comes a time when you start becoming accustomed to your new life. Its a process of forgetting that you are new and different, and of being trusted in your new position. The other day I was in the lunchroom with all the senior students and teachers at my school. It was a great meal. It was a Chinese Viking. "Viking" is a Japanese word that I find quite unbelieveable. It denotes a buffet, because-get this- you take what you want... just like a viking... Then when you put the word "Viking" after "Chinese", it takes on a sinister ironic meaning. I can think of a more recent and relevant example of a race trying to take what they want... But I don't think it is my place to teach about Japanese war crimes.

Anyhow... So I was eating away, like a Viking. It was really a great meal. You know when you eat delicious food when you have a huge appetite, and you really forget yourself? Well, I was in that zone. For some reason, I stopped eating and looked up, presumably to come up for air. I ended up looking at a mirror at the other end of the dining hall, right back at myself. It was at that moment I realised: "man, I'm a freak!".

Yes, I know, I am offensively foreign. But maybe, after the months go by, I will have these experiences less and less, and I will truly start feeling like I belong. God, I hope not.

The other teachers at my school (presuming that I am also a teacher), are also warming to me. Part of that may have to do with going out with 7 of them to a very expensive restaurant. I was driving, so couldn't drink. That was a shame, and to be honest, quite a rare occurrence. Anyhow, the meal was very good though. However, there was just an overkill of plates, bowls, dishes, cups, coasters, napkin rings, sculptures etc. I counted infront of me, at least 15 items that would need to be washed later on. And that was only the first course (of many). At times it seemed more like a pottery exhibition than dinner. This does explain the very low unemployment rate in Japan. They always need dish-hands.

The following day came the moment when I finally became accepted. See, my actual job title is as ALT. "Assistant Language Teacher". The emphasis is always on the A. Often I feel more like a pet than a teacher. The English teachers might take me for a walk or two every day, but I could never play in the yard without a leash. I may sound complainy right now, but considering my teaching resume, this is probably the right call.Well, anyways, that following day, one of my teachers took me aside and said "Ruben, I have some bad news... we are going to have to put you down...". No, I'm kidding. He said he had a meeting when we were supposed to have a class. "Can you please take the class on your own?".

You know what they say, you take a dog off its leash, and it will run wild. Here I was, the new, unqualified, inexperienced, 21 year old foriegner, thrown into the deep end. It was fantastic. To be honest, it didn't really make much difference. It was almost the same lesson as the one before: half an hour of a word game, and then I sang and played two songs on the guitar. For one song, I even played a long intro. That really has no relevance to learning English, but it was fun. I wasn't an Assistant this time. I wasn't teaching language, and to be honest, I wasn't even teaching. I was the "anti ALT". But for that moment, that special moment, I was trusted in my job and I forgot I was new and different.

Today, because of time restraints, I can only tell one of two stories. So you'll have to choose which one you want to hear. I can write about my trip into Tokyo to see my old host family and friends from last time when I was in Japan, and how it was the best trip ever. Or i can talk about when my car broke down in the middle of the road...

I'll give you some time to make your choice...

So you want to hear about my misfortunes? You sicken me. But it was the right choice... It went something like...

Stuck in the Middle

You may remember me saying that it was ironic that the biggest purchase of my life was a free car. The only piece of advice I can give is, "when you pay over $2000NZ for a free car, make sure it wont crap out after 10 days."

It was already late when I left school. I never stay much past 5pm, but on this day, it was 6:30 before I left. Anyways, I was driving home, and the radio cut out. I don't watch many horror movies, but I should've taken this as a sign of bad things to come. I didn't think much of it, so I put my foot down... the radio went back on... hmmm...
Any normal guy would've immediately recognised that there was something wrong. But not naiive little Ruben. I actually played with the accellerator so that the radio would stay on... And then I came up to a set of traffic lights, 2 blocks from my apartment. The car stopped. It was a catastrophic power failure at a reasonably busy set of traffic lights...

Well. I soon realised the shortcomings of an automatic car. I couldn't get it into neutral. There and then it dawned on me how funny the situation was. I wasn't too worried. Surely someone would stop and help, probably some jumperleads would do the trick. I remember back in New Zealand when my friend first started driving. He had managed to roll the car into a ditch. Now, this was no busy intersection. This is the countryside. On the other side of that ditch was a paddock for cows. However, the very first car that came up this road stopped, took out a cable that was apparently waiting for a moment such as this, and towed the car out. All I needed was someone with jumperleads to stop for a few minutes. I put the bonnet up in the international signal for "help, my car is broken". So I wasn't too worried.

After almost 10 minutes of waiting at the lights with the bonnet, noone had so much as wound down their window. So I called a few Jet people in the town, who were extremely helpful. So anyways, there I was, with a lifeless car at the intersection. I was pretty hungry by now, and luckily I had half a packet of peanut and perssimon seed mix. It's a very nice combination. If you aren't sure what a perssimon is, don't worry, It took me nearly a whole year of living in Japan before I had ever seen a real live one. But the seeds are so damn tasty. I can just sit there eating them for hours, oblivious to time...

Unfortunately, they ran out, and all I had to entertain me was watching car after car drive past me and my lifeless car. The drivers would stare, but not stop. "Japan is supposed to be a country full of nice people" I thought. Noone would even acknowledge me. "Maybe they are too busy". "Maybe they are scared of the foreigner". And then the most obvious answer came to me: "Maybe they have even less knowledge about cars than I do. I mean, this is the country where most people take their cars to a mechanic to change their tyres". A few people did acknowledge me but honking their horn. "Thanks..."

After more than 40 minutes, one of the local Jets arrived with our mechanic(also where I bought my car from). He had gone to the auto shop, which at 7:30 was well closed. I'm told that as soon as he heard my car had stopped, the mechanic, who until then was relaxing after a hard day's work, picked up the keys to his van and said a japanese automotive equivalent to "to the batmobile!".

He really did save the day. He managed to get it started and drive it back to the garage, leaving me to drive the batmobile. And I thought my car was a piece of crap... This van had the maneouverability of a passenger train. And it was filled with automotive equipment, tools, spare parts and a large jet engine. If I had of crashed, it would be like standing in a toolshed in the path of a tornado...

But it was such an entertaining night. It sounds stupid, but I had so much fun. And my faith in the Japanese people being nice was restored when the mechanic told me he'd fix my car for free, and lend me another. And everyone lived happily ever after.

School lunches

As New Zealanders, we all know that the Japanese are evil for hunting whales. Yes, they say it is for scientific research, but at another JET's school they had whale on the lunch menu. I don't quite see the benefit to humanity in this. Maybe all these student will go on to win a nobel science prize, I dont know, I'm not a fortune teller. I might have had whale in my school lunch before, but they don't bother telling me what's in it, and there are times when this has its benifits. Although I wasn't personally present at the whale lunch, I am sure that every last whale morsel was consumed. At my elementary school, there is a sign that says "whether you like or dislike it, you will eat it". And all 4 times I have been there so far, I haven't heard one person complain.

There are many signs in that dining room. One says, "let's eat quietly". I thought the days of a child being 'seen but not heard' were over. Apparently not. It's actually quite eerie being in a lunchroom of about 200 children aged between 6 and 12, and all you can hear is the soft clatter or chopstick on plastic bowl.

Well, that isn't entirely accurate. After everyone says grace, they play a tape over the speaker system. It begins with an instrumental elevator rendition of "it's a small world". This is unimaginable torture that can explain away many things about Japan- including the crazy television programs.

Forget the whales, the Japanese are destroying the rainforest.

While perusing through all the junk that my predecessor left in his desk for me to throw out, I came across an interesting article. It stated that Japan, which has few natural resources of its own except crazy TV show ideas, is the worlds largest importer of tropical wood. This is to make disposable chopsticks, and surely paper as well. It is ridiculous how much paper is used. Whenever I arrive at school there is a huge pile of photocopied documents on my desk. I'm afraid to leave my desk now, even if only to grab a drink, because when I get back, there will be a new pile of paper to go through. I used to try and read them, until I realised how pointless they were. I have one here saying what time the broadcasting club will be having a meeting. I should really get a "no junk mail" sign for my desk.

So in conclusion: The Japanese kill whales and the rainforest. Rainforests are endangered, as are whales. However, they use more paper than an obese guy with diahorrea, but god help them if they leave over any food.

Never a dull moment.

The rebirth

Six and a half years ago, in a bleak world, much different to ours, a monumental event was about to happen. Something so huge, and so drastic, it seemed things would never be the same again. Suddenly the world was bathed in brilliant light, and colours and music never before heard or seen revealed themselves. From that day on, the world was a much better place.

I am, of course, referring to the day I got my full licence. Those were good times. But all great things come to an end: The Roman Empire, Communism, Married with Children etc... The last 1 1/2 months in Japan has been very difficult for me without a car. Showing up at school late, either sweating or soaking wet, and not in the mood for standing in front of 30+ children, which is technically my job (and apparently, sitting at my desk sharpening pencils).

Apart from the stories of me coming to school looking like a shipwrecked sailor, I have a horror story about catching the bus. See, my bike was at school, so I needed to catch the bus. I had very clear instructions from a ...lets just say 'well intentioned'... person. I got up 30 minutes earlier than usual, walked 10 minutes to the bus stop, waited patiently for the right bus, got on the bus, and sat down. I had a great view as the bus completely skipped my town. I wasn’t going to stay on till the last stop as the cost of the trip was already getting to ridiculous levels, so I got off in the next town.

“I’ll be fine. Someone from my school will come pick me up”, I thought as I phoned one of my teacher’s cell phones. Voicemail… So I sat down to have a coffee from a vending machine. Shit, it had sugar in it, it was gross. So I finished at about the time that school was supposed to start, and still no answer yet.

So I walked. I followed the road signs along the highway. I walked through rice fields, and… well, just rice fields… I walked for 90 minutes. That’s almost 1 1/2 hours!!! And just to make my day complete, once I finally arrived, there was a sweet apology from that teacher left on my desk. It read:

“When you arrive, please come to class 1A”

Imagine how much I loved coming to work…

From then on, I was very keen to get a car. I would have bought the first piece of crap car I could found, except Japan has no piece of crap cars. They send them all to New Zealand. The problem is tax. Just to have a car registered for 2 years costs well over $2000NZ. Amazingly I found a car that cost about $2000NZ. In other words, it was almost a free car. It is ironic that the biggest purchase of my entire life was a free car? I am doing my Dutchness proud. So the problem was solved… right???

Well yes, but it took 9 days before I could actually drive, thanks to insurance and the Japanese tendency to be thorough.
But here she is...

Yes, I bought a car that can even drive upside-down. (I apologise, my technical expertees with computers stops at playing minesweeper.)

I was expecting to get a car like most other Japanese. If you aren't sure what they look like, they look pretty much like a cardboard box. The only difference being that I would rather be seen in the cardboard box. So this is a 1990 Nissan California, 4x4 automatic station wagon. I thought, well, since petrol is so cheap at the moment, why not?

But since I began driving, last Friday, life has been so much better. I can only think back to the days when I first got my liscence. I have already driven to the other side of the prefecture, and despite numerous cars almost crashing into me (don't get me started on Japanese drivers...), it was about the happiest time of my life. Besides, I can rest in comfort knowing that in a collision, my car will win against a cardboard box everytime.

Osakan Trip

At a recent meeting for the new JET participants, a question was asked to the senior JETs. "What can you do in the area?" we asked. The general response was naming other cities in other prefectures. Basically, what they told us was: "you can leave".

My first trip out of the region was to visit my brother who lives in Osaka, under the premise of playing in a random basketball tournament. Thereby, in the one trip, I was able to combine two truly great, wonderful things. (Basketball, and of course, leaving Toyama.)

But they don't make leaving Toyama easy. It took a superhuman effort to bike back home as soon as the school bell rang, and a run to the station to catch the train. And then it took another 4 1/2 hours. It would have been a pleasant trip if only I didn't have that stupid Proclaimers song in my head. (I'm on my way from miserey to happiness today....) I couldn't help it.

So Osaka is a nice place. In my town Tonami, you never see any people. There are houses, and rice fields which occasionally have an old lady working in it. The mall has people in it, but after that I jhave no idea where they go. I don't think they live in Tonami. I, and the other JETs in my town, have never met our nighbours. The streets never have any people on them. It's like a ghost town. Only, the ghosts got bored and left too.

So it was comforting to see people again. A fun weekend yada yada... the basketball tournament. I had no idea what to expect. I was told in advance that one of the opponents was a professional K1 kickboxer. And last year, he got in a fight in the same tournament... So, I was on my best behaviour.

My brother, (depending on your perspective) also happens to be foriegn and he made up a team full of import players (All teaching English as some level). We were a pretty strong team, and rolled over the first few teams. Not having played regularly since November, and only a few times since then, you may be able to say I'm not in peak physical condition. Combine that with the hot summer here and the Japanese style of basketball (running up and down the court)... I am still sore 4 days later. But an opportunity to play some good basketball doesn't come around very often in Toyama, so I had to make the most of it.

The last game of the round robin was againt the K1 fighters also yet unbeaten team. There was prize money resting on the win, so the stakes were high. The K1 guy looked like he wanted to start a fight, but we aren't stupid. We are teachers. So we won, and recieved a dissappointingly small amount of prize money. But the memory of the trip to Osaka will last for a long time. Or at least the muscle pain will.

What kind of Sport is this???

This last week I've finally had to be at work a lot. (not to be confused with "working a lot"). For thse unfamiliar with Japanese schools, they have these things called an undokai (literally "excercise meet). Basically it's a sports day. So what, 'we have sports days', you may be saying...

Of course, the Japanese take this very very seriously, and in the whole week leading up to it, there was almost no classes. The students, and teachers, were out practicing.

At least in New Zealand at the sports days, all the participants are chosen by the reliable method of having people nominate their friends in the hope they dont have to do anything themselves. In Japan, evrey single tiny detail is spelled out. On my desk there are stacks of paper forming an inpenetrable fort, and each paper details things like, who will be running, how the participants will march to the starting spot, what brand of underwear they will be wearing etc...

All week long, the students practiced every aspect of the sports day, including the actual events. And it wasn't just running, but tug-o-war and silly events too. They are too complicated and boring to explain, but basically these games are designed to embarrass the people who mess up. The red team won every event, but that may be because the other team was waving white flags the whole time. So it was billed to be a very one-sided event.

The big day was held on a saturday. And I think there was a 100% turnout. At my school in NZ, it was held on a schoolday, and there was about a 60% turnout.

The whole sports day was quite hilarious, only the Japanese didn't seem laugh at the same things I did. There was a Tae-bo-esque warmup routine, set to Japanese pirate music. And most events had music- which brought up memories of disneyland-playing in the background. One event which shocked me was called the "Tyre Collection". It sounds innoncent enough. It involved a whole lot of tyres in the middle of the field, and all the girls. It was basically a bitch-fight for the tyres. If they had handbags, this could have been a Monty Python skit. Just crazy. Then the whistle blows, they return to the starting spot and bow to each other.

Between all of the silly events and silly music, there was a whole lot of bowing and marching. To me it seemed more like military training. And you thought that Japan doesn't have an army. They have one of the largest military spending budgets, and through the schools, a compulory draft with a 100% participation rate.

Watching the students march around, I couldn't help but think how much the students must dislike sports day. But as is often the case, I was very wrong. Afterwards, in the red group debriefing, there was harldy a dry eye there. Although they had won, they lost the cheering competetion, and they were inconsolable. Girls, boys and teachers alike. So it seems like everyone had a good time...

All except for me... I mean, it was pretty funny, but I had nothing to do all day. I just sat around, taking photos of all the sillyness around me. The real fun came afterwards at the staff drinking party. Yes, it is exactly like it sounds. All the teachers sitting around getting drunk. Being the new teacher, it was also a sort of welcome party for me. Meaning, they all wanted to see me get drunk. I am by far the youngest teacher at the school (in fact, it is unheard of to have a 21 year old qualified teacher... I guess I'm not qualified...) So I used the drinking party as a time to earn respect and show my maturity. Nothing says "I'm mature" like drinking a lot of beer.

I managed to survive the drinkning party in style, and I learnt a lot about the other teachers, like what one of them had for breakfast that morning. So a good time was had by all.

If you don't have wheels, you'd better learn to swim

For those playing at home, you may remember a little story about having to bike for half an hour in the rain. Well, lets just call it a recurring story. Apparently Toyama prefecture is blessed to have as a natural resource, plenty of rain. This week I've had to rinse and repeat, as it were, 5 times.

But what I found strange was the reaction of the other teachers, or rather, the lack of reaction. I show up at school, enter the staffroom like a swamp creature, and everyone chimes "good morning!!".
I'm thinking, 'I just began my day by biking for half an hour in the rain, and all you can say is "good morning"?'

But this is not to say that the teachers at my school are assholes. No, that title belongs to.....

This weblog has been censored. What follows after this, I have been warned could possibly affect my job. It sounds unlikely, but then again, this is Japan. But its already been written, so if you want to read further, email me at ruben.shogawa@gmail.com and I'll forward it to you. Sorry for the incovenience...

My first day of school.

They grow up so fast dont they? They're playing with lego one month, and the next thing, they're teaching English in Japan. (This is actually true... except for the part about "teaching"). Of course, being Japan, there is much ceremony and ritual that goes on around the start of a new term. So i had a speech all prepared, which didn't take very long as since I came to Japan I've already had to do... roughly 30... per day. And of course, I put on my nicest and only tie (this took considerably longer than preparing the speech). The assembly was basically a 90 minute workout with the students and teacher constantly bowing, sitting and standing up. I was the odd one out, always doing the wrong action... And I was hoping to blend in...

My speech went well. It is a small school of only 170 students, so it wasn't so bad. But when I was about to finish, one of the students collapsed. I'm very proud of myself for not saying "holy shit" into the microphone. Don't worry, the student was okay. 4 teachers helped him out by dragging him off to the corner of the hall, the assembly proceeding as if nothing happened. From here on, I'm sure the assembly would have been boring for even those who can understand Japanese. There was another highlight when another student on the stage fainted. They were dropping like flies.

So, taught my first classes. What I couldn't understand was that the students were so damn quiet. It was as if they just saw a ghost. I mean, I'm not that white, am I? Of course the lessons included another self introduction, and the students introduced themselves at a volume only audible to dogs, with informative information such as "I like game". I have my work cut out for me. To try and get them to open up a little more (and because I know nothing else) I did some card tricks. Normally when I do a good trick, everyone goes crazy saying stuff like "how did you do that" yada yada yada. Not for my classes. When my tricks came off perfectly, and I got nothing. Squat. I got blank, scared stares from the whole class. I image I could have attained a similar result by shooting a puppy. I don't know if it is because the students are all so well behaved and polite (an unlikely scenario, even in Japan), or if they are so scared of seeing a foreigner and actually having to use the English they've been studying for years. The whole reason the JET programme exists is to get English speakers into schools and get the children to use it. This all means that I really have my work cut out for me.

However, I had my first primary school visit yesterday. I taught 3 new entrant classes (6 year olds), and this was so much fun. I just talked to them, they introduced themselves, similar to what I did at my Junior High School, the only difference being that the 6 year olds had better self introductions. They even asked me questions in Japanese. My favourite questions were "what is your favourite insect?", "what fruit do you hate?", and "what family (member?) do you like the most?". I also did some card tricks. I don't know if they really understood them, but they seemed to like them. The whole morning was a lot of fun, and my primary school visits will probably become the highlights of my week.

So it has been an interesting introduction to my schools. But again, don't think that now I'm finally busy and earning my money. Even now, most of the time I am sitting at my desk sharpening pencils.

(note to self: buy more pencils)

You can't fly without wheels

Out here in the countryside of Japan, it is almost impossible to live without a car. The other day I was in the next town at a small music festival. At about 9:40 I thought I had better check what time the last train back leaves. Of course, we had already missed it. It wasn't too much of a problem, but it goes to show how much I need to get a car.

This was reinforced yesterday when I was taken to my other schools. I have one main school, a Junior High School. This is where I spend most of my time doing nothing. Ontop of this, every week I visit two different Primary schools, and a nursery school (4 in total). Now, these schools are all very spaced out. Remember, this is rural Japan. Even though I am pretty fit and I enjoy biking, you`d have to be dreaming if you think I`m going to bike to all my schools.

I have mentioned the fact that the temperature and humidity in Japan is at levels that you would think is not suitable to sustain intelligent life-forms. Now I'm not one to complain easily, but it does start to wear you down when you have to bike for a half hour to get to school. (note: it takes a half hour, presuming I don't get lost. This does sometimes happen- i.e. not getting lost). So most days I show up to school, (NZ slang alert!!!) "sweating like a rapist". Even at 8am, the sun has been up for a few hours, and I have to wear business attire. It is not the ideal way to commute.

That is why, this morning, when it didn't feel hot at all, I was so happy. "Brilliant", I thought, "I wont show up at work dripping wet". And then, not just the gods, but also the bhudda's and the allah's all conspired against me and sent down the rains. By now it was too late to catch a bus, and I wasn't going to take one of my paid holidays because the weather. So I biked. It really wasn't so bad. The rain was nice and warm, I will even go as far as to say the bikeride was pleasant. However, I have spent the rest of the day sitting at my desk with wet underwear.

And of course, come winter, it will be unadvisable, reckless even, to take the bike to school. I don't know if they even make bikes which work when there is slushy snow waist high.

Okay, so I hear you saying, "well, stupid, just buy a car then". I only wish it were that simple. I mean, I have a job which allows me to afford a decent car. But lets just say that the process isn't very easy, especially if you're foreign and don't have really good Japanese. The choice of (affordable) cars is very limited in rural Japan, and even if I find one that I like, I will have to contend with insurance, proving I have a parking space, paying for the parking space that I already own, getting a loan to pay for the car, buying extra insurance, registering the car, road tax, vehicle inspection... proving that no blood relative has ever been to North Korea etc...

But as they say: out of great nessecity comes courage to achieve great deeds. And buying a car in Japan will be the greatest achievement of my life. Lets hope the heat doesn't get to me first.

Business Trips

Before you all start getting the idea that I'm always messing around at work, I want to make it very clear that I am often not even at work. Yes, my introduction to the world of salaries and responsibility has included many "business trips". For example, the other day all of the new JET participants went to climb Mt. Tateyama, a famous, and third most sacred mountain in Japan. Presumably we were to conduct business at the summit. Which, is not completely inaccurate, as many of us did make business transactions there.

Although it is a 3015 metre mountain, I struggle with the idea that we "climbed it". I say this because

A) we bused up to 2450metres

B) there was no use of equipment, unless you count my tennis shoes

C) most of the way was paved (albeit, badly)

D) children who looked as young as 6 years old were climbing it too, and,

E) at the summit there is a small temple where a monk lives and entertains paying tourists, and the shop where you can also stock up on temple-related stuff like good luck charms, swouvinirs, instant noodles and disposable cameras. (these are brought up by helicopter)

But it was a brilliant trip. And although we were hardly conquering previously unclimbed mountains, I did happen to have a NZ flag with me, thus bringing up proud nationalistic feelings as I brought Sir Edmund Hillary's achievements into direpute... The photo was taken at the very top, and that building is the monk's shrine. Although he was trying to look very benevolent, I had the feeling that he wasn't overly impressed by our flag waving at his place of peace.

Apart from the scenery which was stunning (in the few moments when the mist cleared), I most enjoyed the temperature. At the moment in Japan, it is 30 plus degrees with crazy humidity. Every day, the first thing I do when I get home is take my pants off and put the airconditioning on. It is the only solution I can think of. It isn't ideal, as I'm sure the mailman would attest to, but I have just come from a NZ winter. Anyways, up the mountain, it was a normal temperature for me. I am going to propose that everyone in Japan starts living up in the mountains. Or under the sea. These are much more preferable and logical solutions than the one we have now. I think the monk who lives ontop of that mountain may be the smartest person in the country.

The best and most memorable times in Japan are usually the incredible random ones. For example, in my first week here I went to a "music festival", which actually turned out to be a concert way up in the mountains at a skifield resort. There were 3 pretty good rock bands including a queen cover punk band and a Kiss-wannabe band (keep in mind that they were Japanese bands). The entrance fee was 100yen (NZ1.70), and this included all you can drink beer. The bands finished quite early, and some DJ's took over. This kind of setting belongs on a Monty Python skit.

And this weekend, I went to the river for a BBQ under a bridge with a group of paragliding enthusiasts who I had never met before. They gave us food beer and snacks, took us fishing for small river fish, which we then ate: raw and cooked... I can honestly say that I dont know which one was more delicious. On the one hand, the raw fish was gutted, but on the other hand, the cooked fish was... well, you know, cooked. But they kept bringing out different foods, pretty much until the storm came in and made it time to go. But not before having some watermelon. "this is delicious" we'd say, as the chilly bins, BBQ supplies and small children were being swept away. It was a very enjoyable afternoon, and again, free of charge. Although we may now owe favours to the local paragliding club. Once you join the family...

Japan has also introduced me to the concept of 'all you can drink'. Now, I may be mistaken, but I believe this would be highly illegal in New Zealand. And we thought we had a problematic drinking culture... So far, I think I have partaken in 4 of these so-called "Nomi-ho-downs". It is such a reckless concept. The most recent one was a welcome party for us three new JETs in my city, with the people from the city council, who are our employers. I don't know if these guys, and girls, have very well trained livers, or if they were smart and just ordered for us. No really, I don't know. Either way, I felt privellidged to be taking part in such a vital aspect of Japanese culture. And then I felt sick.

So in conclusion, although I technically have a job and a desk, between the business trips, random excursions and excessive drinking, I'm proud to say I still haven't worked an honest day yet. So don't worry, it's still me.

Welcome to Ruben in Japanland, the unoriginally-titled sequel to Ruben in Dutchland.

Don`t be fooled though. It has the same characters, the same plot, the same stupid jokes... only the setting is different. Just like every new season of survivor.

So yes, as some of you may have established, I am in Japan. For those who don`t know where Japan is, find a nice, big, heavy atlas and ask a more knowledgeable friend to hit you over the head with it.

So... I came to Japan almost 2 weeks ago on the JET programme, which has been recruiting unqualified people, like me, to teach English in Japanese Schools since 1986. They put you in a school somewhere in Japan, or in my case “nowhere” in Japan. I was put in Toyama prefecture. What do you mean you haven’t heard of it? It`s famous for tulips. It`s famous for the delicious water. They have some of the best fish in Japan. Ring any bells?

Didn’t think so. If you are interested, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toyama_Prefecture

Didn’t think so. But the first paragraph says,
“Toyama is the leading industrial prefecture on the Japan-sea coast, and has the industrial advantage of cheap electricity. The Itai-itai disease occurred in Toyama around 1950.”
This has been a presentation paid for by the Toyama Board of Tourism.

But everything is pretty good though. You are looked after very well. And by that I mean, I am well overpaid. And living in the countryside in Japan has its benefits. Instead of having to live in an apartment so small that the kitchen has to double up as a toilet (god bless insinkerators), my 2 room plus dining/kitchen apartment is quite big, and it doesn’t even cost as much as my one room I had back in Christchurch. (if you don’t know where Christchurch is, you just don’t learn, do you.). So I`m sure that a lot of you, especially you more qualified people, want to hit me over the head. That has already been taken care of. My apartment is equipped with deadly doorways at my eye level. So, when I start feeling too good about my situation, those doorways put me back in my place. For me, it is like living in a doll-house. After all, I am almost 6 foot 2.

Since it is summer right now, we have the summer holidays. That does not, however, mean that we have a holiday. Where did you get such an absurd idea? I`m not completely sure, but I think I`m supposed to make lesson plans for the rest of the year. So until then, I have to come to school. I have a desk. Who would`ve thought that a recent B.A. graduate with no work experience could get a sweet apartment and a job with his own desk... without a cash register? Basically, until school starts in September, I will just be sharpening pencils. (Note to self: buy some more pencils) As I say, “underqualified, overpaid, this is the dream”.

I`m sorry, I`m not being very professional right now. I really do take my job seriously. I am the ceremonial foreigner. I even have 1 1/2 days in my weekly schedule where I tour the primary and kindergarten/nursery schools. I`m kindof like a travelling circus. I already have most of my act figured out;

~Card Tricks
~Play guitar (badly) and sing songs.... At the same time... (hopefully, if all goes well, it will be the same song, but I cannot guarantee this)
I haven`t decided on whether to finish my act by juggling a few brave volunteers, or breaking tiles with my bare hands. And, if time permits, maybe I will teach some English. When the time actually comes, I will tell you how it all goes down. Feel free to start a betting pool on how long it takes for me to get deported.

So far though, there has been very little work. To give you an idea, I have been here for 13 days, and I have had about 17 hangovers. There are a lot of people`s names to forget, official business like meeting the mayor (this was a newsworthy story in the local paper), and doing administrative things like getting a bank account, mobile, insurance, which sounds boring enough, but in Japan, they manage to make it even more boring with a two-pronged approach. The first prong is, knowing that you can`t understand them and that you don’t need to know anyways, they speak in uncomprehensible Japanese, and secondly, they prong you by making you wait unnecessarily long. So, I`m being kept plenty busy. I can`t wait to buy a car next week.

That is, if I`m not deported by then.

I originally thought that the trip from Holland to New Zealand would give me plenty of time to decide which country is better. But I should've known better. International travel is not made to be relaxing. In all, I travelled for 39 hours, and not one of them was quiet. I'm not complaining. I flew Cathay Pacific and on both flights I had asile seats (according to airline policy they gave the long-leg seats to a chinese family with 2 and 4 year old kids), and I was next to nice Chinese ladies who weren't fat. And there were quality movies and programming to distract me from asking for extra food. And my 7 hours at Hong Kong International was where I tried to catch some sleep, but I find it difficult trying to sleep in a room the size of a large city. Even when I got back, I still had no time to myself. The first thing I did back in Nelson was try and track down my passport which I had apparently lost in Aukland. It is not the first time I left my passport behind. I believe my passport has an opposite magnetic force to me. Luckily the Airline and two different Courier companies assured us that it was impossible to have my passport sent back to me.

But after the best welcome home greeting from my dog, I had to come to terms with that my holiday is over. I shouldn't be sad. As I've said many times, it will be a long time until I have a 2 month holiday again. And I've been able to do many of the things I wanted to do. Sure, I never got to travel to Paris or London, and there were many people and museums and cities that I regret not visiting. But I was able to learn to be Dutch again, and forget everything else. My Dutch language went from awkward and hesistant to just awkward. I was able to find my roots, for example; I was shown the place where I was born, but when we arrived, all that was left was a recently demolished building. And it was good to see lots of people who claimed to be related to me. As long as they fed me...

And over these two months I visited many places, and being an ex-photography student, there were many photo opportunities. As I said, it wasn't the ideal time of the year for tourists (i.e. no tulips), but then, I wasn't really a tourist. And Holland is such a beautiful country. A lot of people in Holland asked me if I didn't miss the beauty in New Zealand. Its so easy to say that New Zealand is beautiful. In fact, isn't that a slogan? And it is. We are spoiled with nature and wide open spaces, isolated beaches and rivers and mountains. Basically, everything that Holland isn't. But although the cities, dykes, windmills and polder landscapes aren't "nature", they are still beautiful.

You may have noticed the photos of windmills. I'm sorry, I am reinforcing a stereotype. Windmills are probably of French origin, but then, no symbols are really of their own country. the statue of Liberty is French, the English cup of tea is from India, and the buzzy bee is from America. But windmills are everywhere in Holland. Most people in Holland actually live in a windmill. The others live in New Zealand. And they somehow fill me with an enourmous amount of pride. Especially the windmills in Schiedam, my hometown, which has the 5 largest (and most elegant) in the world.

And here are some night photos. I always say that it is night half the time, and so you should take half of your photos then. But walking around with a deceptively expensive-looking camera and tripod at night in Amsterdam is only for the brave of heart. But it was worth it. Amsterdam is officially the capital city of Holland, but I think it may possibly be the laziest capital city in the world. The 2nd night photo is of the parliament buildings... in Den Hague.

Next we have some images of my boat trip inland through to Germany. This was such a great way to see the real Holland of rivers, dykes, bridges, boats, riverside towns and poweplants (don't worry, this is not a nuclear powerplant, it is 'clean power'). Travelling at a fast-for a-boat-but-really-quite-slow-when-compared-to-a-car 15-20kmph inland for a whole day was a strange thought. And to see all those boats with cargo of oil or cars or whatever, really allowed me to see the sheer scale of transporting of goods and the infastructure of such a highly populated country... and more windmills. Ah the pride. (never mind that these windmills were in Germany)

And so, with this lousy presentation of my photos, just as those giant windmills do, the sun sets and I wave my time in Holland goodbye. It has been a great holiday/unemployment/retirement. I was asked in my first week about whether I would ever want to live in Holland. I replied "ggggchhchggg" ("ask me in two months"), but I still don't have a proper answer. I've realised that I could live in Holland. I'm not attached to New Zealand. This may sound ungrateful, but that isn't what I mean. I will always be more a New Zealander than anything, and I love coming back here. And even if I did live in Holland, I will always be slightly foreign. And it is good to be slightly foreign.


Thanks to everyone who has been reading this weblog. I hope it hasn't changed your mind about freedom of expression and the benefits of the internet. I've enjoyed writing it, and if you have any comments/hatemail or just want to stay in touch, you can email me at ruvaman@gmail.com.