The Even Greater Tokyo Region

I'm in a strange place. Yes, Holland, but what I mean is that I have an unusual status. I'm not really a foreigner, and I'm definitely not a local. I'm not here for work, and 9 weeks is too long to be called a vacation. Basically I'm retired in my country of origin: a hometown tourist.

This seems to confuse other people as well. For example, I've been introduced to some guys who play basketball. I've played for as long as I can remember (about 20 minutes), and I've never been a vocal player. I try to make my hard work speak for itself. However, when playing over here, many players took this as a sign that I spoke no Dutch. They hear I'm from New Zealand, my strange accent, and maybe my english swearwords when I make a mistake, and suddenly refuse to talk to me. I trained with a a club team, and for the whole 2 hours I had a personal translator. He obviously enjoyed showing off his English, and I decided to go along with it. It was so entertaining watching people talk to me through a translator. It was as if I diddn't exist. Unless they could say what they wanted with wild gestures or a single word they would immediately turn to the guy who spoke English. But mostly, 2 whole hours we communicated through the international language of basketball.

Well, the most entertaining part came when I was about to leave. I somehow got into a Dutch conversation with a couple of the guys, including my translator. It was priceless to see his face. It was as if I learnt to speak Dutch within the 2 hour training. Its not such a hard language after all.

This is of course not true. You could never learn Dutch in 2 hours. You would need at least 5. In fact, there are millions of people in Holland who can't speak Dutch, and this has become a hot topic amongst politicians. One recent proposal is to make it a deportable offence to speak any language other than Dutch in public. The problem is that many immigrants come here and don't even try to learn Dutch. It is too easy to survive here without learning Dutch; everyone can speak English anyway, of the 30-odd free TV channels, only about half are in Dutch, and there are communities of certain countries which have their own shops and culture. I personally enjoy these communities. I accidentally found myself in a part of Rotterdam which seemed more like a Frankenstein of all foreign countries. I walked around the shops, noticing the disturbingly high number of shops which sold food and human hair. Anyways, I just bought some chicken breast from a Turkish butcher and left.

But I'm enjoying having an accent. I've always found it a shame that I have a flawless New Zealand English accent. Just once, I would love to have someone ask me "You're not from around here, are you?" Some people (and by this I mean my Father) find this annoying. I'm beginning to understand why. Many times when I say something to a shopkeeper, they hear an accent and begin speaking English to me, or give me an English brochure without asking. They are trying to get me deported! Well, soon I'll be leaving on my own accord. I know when I'm not wanted.